Because of you

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk                                                   
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it’s not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that’s weakness in your eyes
I’m forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can’t possibly break
When it wasn’t even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

-Because of you lyrics (sung by Kelly Clarkson)

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Dear U&I,

There’s always that one person that has a huge impact on your life. It could be your parents, sibling, or even your lover like shown in this song. However, these words relate to how I was affected by an unexpected person. You.

I don’t think you even know how much you had affected me by bullying me for seven years of my life. We grew up together and we even attend the same high school. Even till this day, I smile hoping we could be friends, but you ignore me and curse behind my back as you have always done. We could have been great friends you know, but when I heard you the other day talking badly about me to my friend for bringing me along with her, you didn’t even have the courtesy to whisper. There you were turning another person against me. I had thought you had outgrown your insecurities, but I guess you haven’t. I was traumatized mentally, emotionally, and physical since I was young for all the things you had done.

I still shiver from the thought of the things that made me go against my own pride. Being blamed for things I had never done. I once ended up having to apologize to your friends, that were mine once, for something I hadn’t done. I had refused to at first, but my parents said I had to because they were friends with their parents. I still remember their mocking smile as they acted all high and mighty saying they wouldn’t accept my apology even though they knew I hadn’t done what they had accused me of. I was never ashamed of myself more than I was at that moment. To have let my mother take me their to protect her relationships, I pushed myself into the dirt. My parents don’t even have contact with those families anymore. Was all that needed? In the end, we’re all living our own lives but why did you have to act in such a way then?

I hope you eventually end this hatred that you have against me for unknown reasons because I want to move on but the very moment I finally think I’m happy, you come along and make it even harder for me to forgive you. Whenever I see you smiling and happy,  I feel anger despite how hard I try not to because it makes me think of how I spend my days faking smiles that fool everyone so easily. However, I still try not to judge you for your actions knowing that because I don’t see your pain doesn’t mean you don’t feel it. For all I know, you could have gone through a lot that I never knew about.

It still doesn’t stop me from hating what you did to me. However, I don’t hate you as a person but your actions are a different thing. The reason why is because honestly, everyone’s only wish in life is to be happy but to think that other people are the main reason for other peoples sadness, it makes me more pessimistic about humanity. In the end, we are our own monsters.

I can only hope that I haven’t and will not hurt anyone is anyway with intention. I wish to give everyone an equal chance at happiness. I admit that you didn’t have the right to make me sad for seven years for whatever reasons you had. I had deserved to be happy then. I was an honest, naive, and innocent girl when I was younger. I can’t say about that now but even till this day my parents ask me where that girl went. They still find it hard to believe that I’ve changed. I can only hope, for the better. I also wish the same for you.

Love,

Faye

 

 

 

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