She is me. I am her. Having the very person who I could have been, stolen from me has caused more significant pain that anyone or I could have ever imagined. The very unknown, my future, and what could have been just vanish into thin air as if it was never there has caused my insides to make a heart wrenching sound I had never heard before. We’re always told to not waste time crying on dreams lost or things that haven’t happened but just let me mourn…for only a little bit, till the last word on this page.
Let me mourn of the day that will never come. Let me mourn of how I was forced to give up my passions for another’s because it was expected of me. Let me mourn my lost love that I’ll never get to know. Let me mourn those days I never will have, a future where I knew I would be happy. Let me mourn that light, that smile, and that me who I’ll never have the chance in meeting. However, I just know she would have been amazing.
I console myself by saying that it wasn’t meant to be…but why can’t I help but feel that those days were stolen from me? Days of true happiness and days where I would have flourished…just gone into oblivion. I can’t help but mourn that they’ll never come back to me.
Its dark where I am now. I don’t see anything but why do I feel like that if they had just listened I wouldn’t be here, but I would be pursuing my dreams that are nothing more but just fantasies now? Why can’t I help but feel tears building behind my eyes? Why is my heart racing in such a painful way?
Is this how it feels to be run over by a truck…over and over again? To be worn down to nothing except for pieces of ripped pieces of flesh, blood, and broken bones? Even though they say they are here for me now for the first time, why does it make me feel worse? Is it because I can’t just hate them anymore? That they still don’t understand that once more they’re asking me to be the bigger person and forgive them for things they haven’t even realized they had done to me?
Years later seeing that I’m doing but not as well as my sister, they just decide to give up on me? My future of no matter anymore, saying that they’re fine with whatever I do. It was there way of doing their part since I was diagnosed with a major depressive disorder; leave me to my own demons, and lower their expectations. As if all can be forgotten but from a shrug and “Oh well…”
Then why?! Why did they do this to me? Yes I’m smart. Yes, I did well in school. I had 95’s while my sister had higher. Suddenly, my grades weren’t enough they said. For they future they had set up for me. After all the fighting, competition, bullying they made me go through and in the end it was all for nothing.
Now when I’m nothing but a broken child, they’ve let me loose. Not realizing that years before they had already hung me with a noose. I had wanted to sing, dance, and move but they pushed my passions to a corner saying they had left after a day and were no longer there. If only they knew, they haunted my dreams and fantasies, showing me of a a feeling I hadn’t ever known since they made me a vulnerable to their will…hope.
All I can do now till the end of this sentence is mourn…before they take that right away from me as well and marry me to the next standards they list. Until then, let me stay in this blissful yet painful state as the widower of dreams. At least it will be a step closer to the real me.