Skeleton. Pencil. Stick. These were the few of the many nicknames I was given for my very thin body frame. To be honest, they didn’t effect me as much, as I told myself over and over again in my mind that many people would throw up food after a meal for my body. However, like always there are those in your life who have a different view of whats perfect or their own societal definition of whats beautiful or healthy. In my family and society, having some meat on your bones was the norm. So, it was normal to hear the incessant nagging to eat more and disapproval when I rejected food.
Its not that I didn’t like eating or wanted to be so thin. I actually love food. I could eat all day if I could. I just have a fast metabolism and couldn’t eat a lot together in one meal. However, I eat snacks often enough with small breaks in between rather than eating a lot together in one sit down.
It was still not enough. My doctor said I needed to raise my weight. Unlike other parents, mine resorted to making me eat junk food around the clock. I just found it ironic where the world shows that my body is the ideal beautiful body. I even could have been a model if it weren’t because I was so short but there I was surrounded with people stuffing my face saying I wasn’t beautiful, but in fact bony. The fact that a person could see my ribs, collarbone, and pelvis stretching out of my skin was weird, nowhere near beautiful.
I was prescribed a medicine by my doctor which made me hungrier more often where literally every five minutes I would tell my parents I was hungry. My family in the end filled up a whole closet of snacks just for me to keep me quiet.
I did gain weight, a few pounds, here and there but it still wasn’t enough. In the meanwhile, my recent problems had arisen where my depression hit hard and I locked myself up in my room. Food was the last thing on my mind. I no longer had an appetite. Food had no taste in my mouth. I just didn’t feel like eating.
I lost weight fast again, all the few pounds of progress I made gone and became even thinner than before. My psychiatrist that I wrote about in the last post guessed it was me rebelling against my parents. However, how could I describe to him the feeling of where food was something who had no meaning or necessity to me anymore. It was like the idea of getting out of the house. I just can’t eat like I couldn’t step out of the house.
Basically, you can’t win either way…skinny or fat. Of course health is important but recently I feel like my need of raising my weight for other people isn’t them worrying about my health. It’s them fitting me to their expectations. For them, they just want to check off at least one thing from the list of problems I had. Label me to their standards. However…
So, keeping that in mind…there is no ideal somebody or type of body out there to achieve because there isn’t one. Each person in their mind has their own idea of whats perfect and if we try to fit each of there’s, then each of us would cease to exist. Yes, I’m underweight and recently have become anorexic. Yes, many have asked if I have eating problems which my sister makes sure to refute, saying I love to eat actually. Yes, I’m thin and tiny and often feel vulnerable around tall and huge people because their arm can circle twice around my waste easily. However, this is how I am and I can’t help it. This is my body and my body alone. For someone to comment on my body is beyond their right. Why? Because they don’t know how much I tried to raise my weight. Countless years of me training myself to eat more and taking medicine for it. I’ve tried so hard and still am where I started so maybe this is how I’m supposed to be. I’m fine. Normal and in fact healthy but I’m done pleasing whoever is out there that thinks they have the right to control me or thinks they have any right over me. I’m skinny and beautiful whatever the number comes up on that scale and so are you.
Now if only a weight scale actually said you’re beautiful every time you got on it to check you’re weight… Then I would finally know that the world is truly making some real progress.