Affection scares people. Especially when it comes out of the blue, unwarranted and you have no idea how to react other than your awkward self. It scares me too. It creates this unknown horrifying picture of the future where I might encounter this emotion people like to go on and on about as “love.”
There are two worlds in my life, the one in my mind known as fantasy and the other where we’re all living and breathing in at this very moment, reality. I never allow the lines between these worlds to ever blur. Such things as romance, love, or “the one” existed in this fantasy land that I admit I’m a complete sucker for. However, I never fail to remind to myself that in reality such things don’t exist. They possibly can’t, especially when I spent each day of my life bearing witness of two people being together despite how much they despise each other.
The ironic part is, I am affectionate…extremely expressive, and would jump at the first chance to hug you which others might see as strangling. One of those people is my sister. She’s the complete opposite where contact is forbidden or she would unleash her beastly self and I would basically never live to see the next day. I confess, I am exaggerating quite a bit but the point is she’s ice and I’m fire.
I like to explain my dramatic self as a great part of my personality where I can live each and every moment to the fullest, full of color. However, even my own antics confuse me. Even though I want a hug. But not just a normal hug. No.
I want one of those pick-me-up-off-my-feet-squeeze-me-tight-spin-me-around-hurts-my-tummy-but-still-makes-me-smile-leaves-me-breathless-gives-me-butterflies-makes-me-giggle-stupidly kind of hug, but I get scared at the thought of actually getting such hug.
Life is scary because we never know what’s the next thing its going to throw at us…and I’m scared that I’ll meet someone exactly like me who’ll force me to face and revel in overwhelming emotions that I’ve only heard about and in the end… reveal them to everyone. Excitement, cheerful, and bubbly me has been as far as anyone had experienced me as. I’m fearful of meeting someone that sees further than that. However, the thought of never meeting a “me” in the future who is all lovey dovey and full of love as I am now despite my harsh reminders to myself, I feel lost.
There is a certain charm to the warmth of someone just being all over you because they just care that much about you. I hope that maybe one day that if I do meet that someone, for once I’ll let the lines blur between my fantasy and reality and not push them away like my icy sister who I have to wrestle for a hug…because I admit…I very much would like a hug. A hug that would make me all mushy inside and truly know what its like to feel, without any limits.