It’s been a while since I updated for traveling reasons but here I am! I’ll be updating more often but I hope you like this post 🙂 I wrote it several days ago while I was on the airplane so you’ll better understand some of the references.
There are days when I pray. Out of the blue I just pray. Those nights, fear consumes me for no apparent reason other than the fact of how much was unknown to me. So I prayed. I prayed for my parents lives, to keep them safe from harm. I prayed to see the next day. I prayed for everyone’s happiness in the world. Then there were those nights where I believe I’m pure evil. I wish for the end, my end. I hope that maybe he could just disappear and then all the problems would disappear with my father.
Often people advise to obtain some distance from a situation to gain perspective. Sometimes, they mean it metaphorically…and other times it’s meant quite literally. In my case it was the idea of physically getting away. I needed distance, space from my family and a place far away from my family. Now I’m on a day long journey across the world. It’s not exactly how I imagined it, cramped in a tiny space on an airplane for 22 hours beside my father, the epitome of having bad control over anger. In fact, the beginning of the journey left me feeling ever so optimistic of the month before me away from my home city New York…with my father. I mean, of course, it’s normal just to start a tornado the minute you board a plane and just curse out half the passengers like you do at home?
We do try to implement the idea of what happens at home stays at home. My family always wishes to keep my father’s anger from bursting out the seams when we go out causing us to tread on a fine, thin line around him outside but apparently it’s no use. I always get angry at those and often even myself when I get embarrassed about my parents, reminding myself how loving and caring they are. But when a scene is created, it leaves us naked and me vulnerable. Our problems and issues out in the open for everyone to see and I hate it. So yes, I am embarrassed by the man sitting next to me. Yes, I do hate him with all my heart. Yet, I just can’t cut the strings that tie us together no matter how many times I just decide that I am done. I am done being afraid of just walking out the front door. I am done being afraid of becoming like him when kids are known to often resemble their parents. I am scared to one day pray for him to just leave…permanently…and then realize how truly evil I am. So, here I am trying to acquire some distance…with fear as my motivation. Yet, why do I feel like I’m back to where I started. That in fact, there is no escaping this. That just maybe getting some distance is a plan that never actually works because our demons follow us wherever we go…