There are two ends of the spectrum. Both ends are two completely different extremes. One end is my future where I can choose to apply to college and attempt once again to possess the bright future, that I’m told is waiting for me, in my hands or disappear from this world. For a person to choose to end their life is horrible and I always assumed that reaching that point where I would choose that decision would be the worst choice I could ever make. Then again, I never knew that this moment that could be considered the most critical point in my life would be so hard. In fact, I find this moment now when I’m writing this would be worse than wanting to end my life.
It’s the indecision, the loss of purpose, and being completely lost with what to do with my life is an idea I never conceived when I imagined during my journey to recovery. It’s as if in this moment is when I will really choose to either derail from this utter second or truly get better. Through every fiber in my body I can feel how critical and dangerous I am right now. Even though this whole year was unpredictable, but I feel scared.
I feel scared that I might do something stupid. I might be the most unpredictable I have ever been. It’s been a while since I’ve been on here. In fact, I was getting better. After countless attempts, and when saying countless I mean literally many that I can’t even count I was beginning to get back into my life. The past two months I had began going to school, taking my first exams after a year and half, and associating with other people when I had barely communicated with anyone other than my family and doctors. Even though I would drop out of school suddenly for a day or two or even a week I kept trying. I kept on trying despite the criticism I was receiving from my teachers and peers. I was no longer the great model student I was once before but somehow I found the strength to keep on trying.
But I don’t know what I happened. I want to scream and rip myself apart from frustration. What the hell is going on? Why did I all of sudden want to give up? I don’t even remember what exactly happened the past few days anymore. All I know is that sometime within the past week I made the desicion to give up. It was as if I was forcing myself to give up even though I can feel the tug in my chest that I should force myself to go. Even though I didn’t want to continue on, I should continue on but for some reason I hushed those feelings trying to drown myself in distractions but they no longer as well as they did the past year.
I guess that’s why I’m worried. When I had myself holed up in my room for the past year, I didn’t think. I just slept and woke up and stayed on my ipad the hours I was awake. I basically didn’t deal with the break down that had me bed ridden and isolated from the world. However, it no longer works. I can feel the pressure to make a decision because this moment of being in between these two ends of extreme on this spectrum is slowly making my go crazy. My sanity feels like its trickling away slowly with every second I force myself to delay to choose.
I feel as if I’m back where I started, however at a worse and more critical point than before. I’m beginning to envy the people that have the strength to even choose, whichever it is…
I feel like a coward of the worst, neither having the courage to work for my future or the strength to kill myself.