The High We Get From Attention

It embarrasses me to admit that I’ve searched how to increase views on my blog several times since I opened it. Even though the content on it was private (pretty much an online diary) that I had originally decided to keep private just for myself to vent, I still wanted more people to check it out. In other words, comfort me as I’ve seen so many people do for others when they go viral about their personal stories.

It wasn’t like this before. I was so busy with other things, I wouldn’t even have the time check my social media as often as other teenagers were able to. In fact, social media was never as addicting or interesting to me as it did to others. I saw it as something helpful to get information about classes when I was absent or just see how everyone I used to know was doing in life. But then, here I am stuck in my house 24 hours a day for over a year and I wanted to somehow make myself relevant again in the world that was moving on without me. I wanted to feel as if I mattered even if it’s a little idiotic of me to just wish to become famous over night.
photography

There’s so many people, including my peers who would buy these expensive DSR cameras because photography became the new “thing” after witnessing one person become well known for his amazing photos. For a second, even I got drawn into it but I forced myself to think realistically and remember this euphoric feeling of being invincible would only last till the second I bought the camera and remember I never really liked taking photos.

God, I feel so ashamed admitting to all of this but I’m going to keep continuing. It’s just that I would actually love to continue living in this small bubble I’ve created around my home avoiding all attention. Yet I’ve always been fighting my whole life preparing for this future that never seemed to come and when I was so near to building a life for myself, it fell apart. Even though I know this more than anyone else, when my therapist tells me I have to work for it, for a minute there I just wish it could just happen… Because oh god I have been fighting. I have been trying and working to the point where as every year passed I would think that this was it, this was the end. Although, I still don’t know if I was thinking it was the end as in the future I was working for would begin or the end to that moment in itself, where it would be my last.

I’m not going to write for the views or the likes, which are pretty much nonexistent at the moment. Neither am I just going to give up because I failed to feel relevant by others. That feeling of relevancy is only needed to be given by me. If I think it matters, despite there already being a million blogs out there, then it does.

I was never a writer from the start. I still remember in 4th grade how in parent teachers conference, my teacher basically explained how I was crappy writer. I proved it to myself when I tried to write stories/ books online, I was never committed enough to finish them.

The problem was however, that I would suddenly have this urge where I couldn’t think or do anything until I wrote or typed something out that was on my mind. But these urges were never consistent enough to finish a piece. You could also see my history throughout this blog that during the first few months I wrote more often but the dates spanned out as the urges began to occur less often. The blog suddenly became work.

However, I could never let go of writing because after I wrote to my content, the urge would disappear and a calm feeling would settle over me. It was as if I suddenly felt drowsy and was ready to fall sleep. It was that feeling of content after these urges which I’m choosing to feel again and again instead of the high even though it took me so many years to realize which feeling truly meant more to me.

Advertisements

7 comments

  1. I’ve noticed that blogs on WordPress that don’t have logos attached to them do not pop up in my notifications when there has been activity on my site. Every single time. I accidentally saw that you liked my about me section because I was scrolling through some old notifications and saw yours included in the old notifications. This happens with follows and likes on my blog posts too–a lot of times I don’t even know who followed me simply because they have no logo attached to their blog so WordPress treats them like an empty account and doesn’t validate their actions. You can most likely increase your views by adding a picture of yourself and adding a logo to your blog.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for the suggestion! I’ll try it out! I’m just a little nervous because I talk about a lot of private things on my blog, which is why I’m reluctant to post a picture of myself on it. Hopefully I get the courage to do it! 🙂

      Like

      • You don’t have to post a picture of yourself–for example, my logo for my blog is a picture of birds flying away (crows). As for the pic for your gravatar, you can put something entirely random in there!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Hi! I made the logo! I was wondering, do you just replace your header with the logo, or is there a separate place that allows you to input your logo? My theme doesn’t seem to have place for the logo. I’m thinking of just putting it at the side menu just as an image, not sure if it’ll be acknowledged as a logo on wordpress…

        Like

      • If you are on a laptop you have to go to “My Site” and under “Personalize,” you’ll see a “customize” button next to the theme. Press that and it will give you the option to edit your tagline and logo, etc. From there, you can upload your logo image for your blog.

        Liked by 1 person


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s