It embarrasses me to admit that I’ve searched how to increase views on my blog several times since I opened it. Even though the content on it was private (pretty much an online diary) that I had originally decided to keep private just for myself to vent, I still wanted more people to check it out. In other words, comfort me as I’ve seen so many people do for others when they go viral about their personal stories.
It wasn’t like this before. I was so busy with other things, I wouldn’t even have the time check my social media as often as other teenagers were able to. In fact, social media was never as addicting or interesting to me as it did to others. I saw it as something helpful to get information about classes when I was absent or just see how everyone I used to know was doing in life. But then, here I am stuck in my house 24 hours a day for over a year and I wanted to somehow make myself relevant again in the world that was moving on without me. I wanted to feel as if I mattered even if it’s a little idiotic of me to just wish to become famous over night.
There’s so many people, including my peers who would buy these expensive DSR cameras because photography became the new “thing” after witnessing one person become well known for his amazing photos. For a second, even I got drawn into it but I forced myself to think realistically and remember this euphoric feeling of being invincible would only last till the second I bought the camera and remember I never really liked taking photos.
God, I feel so ashamed admitting to all of this but I’m going to keep continuing. It’s just that I would actually love to continue living in this small bubble I’ve created around my home avoiding all attention. Yet I’ve always been fighting my whole life preparing for this future that never seemed to come and when I was so near to building a life for myself, it fell apart. Even though I know this more than anyone else, when my therapist tells me I have to work for it, for a minute there I just wish it could just happen… Because oh god I have been fighting. I have been trying and working to the point where as every year passed I would think that this was it, this was the end. Although, I still don’t know if I was thinking it was the end as in the future I was working for would begin or the end to that moment in itself, where it would be my last.
I’m not going to write for the views or the likes, which are pretty much nonexistent at the moment. Neither am I just going to give up because I failed to feel relevant by others. That feeling of relevancy is only needed to be given by me. If I think it matters, despite there already being a million blogs out there, then it does.
I was never a writer from the start. I still remember in 4th grade how in parent teachers conference, my teacher basically explained how I was crappy writer. I proved it to myself when I tried to write stories/ books online, I was never committed enough to finish them.
The problem was however, that I would suddenly have this urge where I couldn’t think or do anything until I wrote or typed something out that was on my mind. But these urges were never consistent enough to finish a piece. You could also see my history throughout this blog that during the first few months I wrote more often but the dates spanned out as the urges began to occur less often. The blog suddenly became work.
However, I could never let go of writing because after I wrote to my content, the urge would disappear and a calm feeling would settle over me. It was as if I suddenly felt drowsy and was ready to fall sleep. It was that feeling of content after these urges which I’m choosing to feel again and again instead of the high even though it took me so many years to realize which feeling truly meant more to me.