Options. For a long time I’ve been presented time after time with options…and each time I thought for a second, I could see the light at the end of tunnel. Maybe, I thought. Just maybe this time my life would go back to what people called normal.
Yet, I soon lost count of how many times I failed. It still didn’t prevent me from feeling hope the minute I entered the room to hear another option that would mark as the new beginning of my life and the end of this horribly long, tragic stage I was in.
It was incredibly naive of me. Every time I was in that room with my guidance counselor, I felt invincible. During those moments, I really felt I could do it. I could become that girl that I once was. I could become the woman everyone expected me to be…a woman with a bright and successful future.
So soon, I became scared. I started to not keep in contact with the school, no longer wanting to fail again at reviving what was left of me. It was months till I entered that office again, two days ago. I hate myself for saying it, but again I felt hope. I know feeling hope is good and it should be. But it can still be so disappointing.
That same day, later in the evening I met my therapist. The first thing she told me was that I looked bright. I smiled, remembering how my mother had said the same in the morning. I replied that when I was truly happy you could easily tell from my demeanor.
I told her how excited I was, that despite missing two years of high school, I could still attend college in September and progress to my dream college later on in the year. I was happy, but I admitted that I was terrified. I honestly didn’t know what I would do to make this time finally work.
She asked me what felt different about this time. I still blush at the thought that I had let myself get fooled in believing that this time did feel different and I told her this as well. While the other times I entered, I had just waited for the days to go by till it would be ready for me to begin school again because my whole life, the only thing I had ever known was being a student. (And I mean more than others). My sister and I were taught to be more academically driven than others and we basically grew up working to excel in our studies. Academics were the center of our lives and the minute we entered high school , we our out from 6am to 8pm to pack our resume for college.
However this time though, I entered the room already moving on with my life rather than just waiting for the next opportunity that would allow me to jump back into the rhythm of things without anyone else realizing where I had gone. One way I had moved on was with this blog, and another was that I had gotten an interview for a job this Friday.
So, I let myself believe this time felt different. Maybe I really was finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. But when that hope is gone…will I once again be left with only time as my company?
For that fear, I tell myself over and over again, don’t hope, don’t feel…just stop before you hurt yourself again Fai. What if this time is another failed attempt of you trying to live again? What will you do then?