It feels so awkward. I’ve only talked about such depressing topics on this blog, it suddenly feels strange to post about something positive for the first time. Don’t get me wrong. It’s just that this blog was made during a rough patch in my life and here I talked about things I don’t often tell others. In real life, I’m just always the happy bubbly girl. It would make sense that more people would like the more positive version of me than this one. Which is why I’m so vulnerable on here.
That being said, I got the job I interviewed for on Friday!!! (internally screaming even after two days!!!) I can’t describe how excited I am. How I feel right now is just an indescribable happiness.
Before my long hiatus from society, I worked a lot in many ways. I volunteered, sang in two choirs (one in and outside of school), was one of the youngest cabinet members in the red cross club in our high school with over a 1,000 people in it and only 12 of us to handle them, debate team that had tournaments every week in and outside of the city, internships, and more activities than I can list or even remember.
When I had a break down, everyone assumed I couldn’t handle the pressure. It was frustrating to hear because I had dealt with pressure my whole life. Everyone has. Then they would ask, then why did you choose to do so many things?
At that time, I just didn’t know how to explain the feelings I felt when I worked or volunteered. I was always a hard worker and I had just thought it was just a part of me. Eventually, I realized that during those moments when I was helping others, working a job, or just accomplishing something beneficial in general made me feel the most confident.
Working was when I shined the most. I loved how working hard made me feel self confident. It might also be the reason why my low self esteem from middle school got better so quickly because I immersed myself in so many activities the minute I was a freshman, I didn’t have the time to feel inadequate. So, when other people told me how they were jealous of my confidence, I was shocked. I had begun to heal myself from the years of mental abuse and insults I grew up hearing without even realizing.
So, working hard comes easy to me…because it’s what makes me happy. All of these thoughts rushed to me while I told the news to my sister yesterday of how I got the job and my sister and I began to talk about the positive attributes we have and how they would help us in our careers. After a long time, I didn’t feel devastated after feeling hope.
I kind of want to hide behind my pillow because I feel like I’m totally praising myself without shame but, you know what, after making myself feel like a shitty failure for two years, I think it’s about time to feel proud of all the accomplishments I’ve done. Now, instead of staying in the shadow of that invincible girl during the first two years of her high school, I want to prove that I can be even a better version of her now.
Oh and I have to say, the view from my new job is gorgeous. It’s on wall street and…it just gives you the feels. On top of that, the new home I moved into several months ago also has a gorgeous view of the river and Manhattan from every room…it’s a sign, things can only go up from here. ❤