The Spikes of Excitement that Were Almost Forgotten

SONY DSCIt feels so awkward. I’ve only talked about such depressing topics on this blog, it suddenly feels strange to post about something positive for the first time. Don’t get me wrong. It’s just that this blog was made during a rough patch in my life and here I talked about things I don’t often tell others. In real life, I’m just always the happy bubbly girl. It would make sense that more people would like the more positive version of me than this one. Which is why I’m so vulnerable on here.

That being said, I got the job I interviewed for on Friday!!! (internally screaming even after two days!!!) I can’t describe how excited I am. How I feel right now is just an indescribable happiness.

Before my long hiatus from society, I worked a lot in many ways. I volunteered, sang in two choirs (one in and outside of school), was one of the youngest cabinet members in the red cross club in our high school with over a 1,000 people in it and only 12 of us to handle them, debate team that had tournaments every week in and outside of the city, internships, and more activities than I can list or even remember.

When I had a break down, everyone assumed I couldn’t handle the pressure. It was frustrating to hear because I had dealt with pressure my whole life. Everyone has. Then they would ask, then why did you choose to do so many things?

At that time, I just didn’t know how to explain the feelings I felt when I worked or volunteered. I was always a hard worker and I had just thought it was just a part of me. Eventually, I realized that during those moments when I was helping others, working a job, or just accomplishing something beneficial in general made me feel the most confident.

Working was when I shined the most. I loved how working hard made me feel self confident. It might also be the reason why my low self esteem from middle school got better so quickly because I immersed myself in so many activities the minute I was a freshman, I didn’t have the time to feel inadequate. So, when other people told me how they were jealous of my confidence, I was shocked. I had begun to heal myself from the years of mental abuse and insults I grew up hearing without even realizing.

So, working hard comes easy to me…because it’s what makes me happy. All of these thoughts rushed to me while I told the news to my sister yesterday of how I got the job and my sister and I began to talk about the positive attributes we have and how they would help us in our careers. After a long time, I didn’t feel devastated after feeling hope.

I kind of want to hide behind my pillow because I feel like I’m totally praising myself without shame but, you know what, after making myself feel like a shitty failure for two years, I think it’s about time to feel proud of all the accomplishments I’ve done. Now, instead of staying in the shadow of that invincible girl during the first two years of her high school, I want to prove that I can be even a better version of her now.

Oh and I have to say, the view from my new job is gorgeous. It’s on wall street and…it just gives you the feels. On top of that, the new home I moved into several months ago also has a gorgeous view of the river and Manhattan from every room…it’s a sign, things can only go up from here. ❤

 

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9 comments

  1. Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so very, very happy for you.! Congratulations on your new job….and, even more than that, kudos for giving yourself long-overdue credit. And, you are right–your best years are ahead of you. You’ve made it through the pain and found your way to the light where you belong. Thank you for allowing us to celebrate you, and with you. You are remarkable…a .blessing. Reading your posting really lifted my spirits…thank you for sharing 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. AMAZING!
    Congratulations 🙂 It’s so wonderful to read such positivity and I hope this continues for you. It’s brilliant that you are in a better place now (I’m not sure if I mean emotionally or literally – NEW YORK!! Amazing!) Well done 😀 Be proud of yourself and shout about it, because you deserve to enjoy your achievements.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Feelings of inadequacy, writing sad posts. I know exactly how you feel. Except that I completely envy your drive, ambition and ability to thrive under pressure. My feelings of isolation make me lethargic and withdraw. It really came to a really low point when I failed last year especially after my parents telling me I have so much potential.

    I hope you check out my blog sometime.
    https://onlyindreamssite.wordpress.com

    Liked by 1 person

    • The will you envy didn’t exist for 2 years for me. It was a very long 2 years for me because it started on what others call their “sweet” 16. It was very bitter for me. The ages between 16 to 18 I was bed ridden, hiding from society and scared while it wasn’t considered normal for teenagers. In the end, I learned that everything takes time. Even though when I mentally thought I was ready, my body wouldn’t move as I dictated it to. People find that will when they are truly ready in their own pace. I felt those exact feelings as you described and I all I can say that there will be a better tomorrow. I’m sorry I can’t say exactly when. That’s the part that sucks. The uncertainty but I hope lots of love from me helps!!! ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person


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