A Chaotic Mind

The past few days I’ve been feeling unnaturally anxious. Before, this feeling was a normalsleepign-beauty part of my day but it’s been a while since I felt this level of anxiety leveled out each day, with no trace of leaving soon.

And the reason why I was feeling anxious was for the need to post something on here. I would feel as the time was ticking away and it was soon going to be late since my last post.

I didn’t necessarily hate it. It was just that, there was nothing else to distract me or pour my efforts into. Usually I would have either so many things to do that there wouldn’t be enough space in my head to worry about all of them or literally nothing to do at all to worry about. I’ve never had only a single thing to do before.

However, for the past week or so, I’ve been putting my all into this blog. All, being that I would open my website and just stare at it. (Don’t judge)

It was awkward. Crazy. Shocking. A year ago, I wouldn’t have even imagined that I would make a blog…on private things. The girl who just uses the internet for her work and classes and rarely shares private information.

I guess the reason why I blatantly stare at my site for minutes is not from being proud, but rather from the feeling of satisfaction. I’ve come far. In my own way.

Commitment was easy for me when it was for a different reason, like joining a dozen clubs to get into a good college. Or doing well in academics for my sister or mother to be proud of. However, whenever commitment was required for something beneficial solely for me, it was always difficult. I just could never find the time, because something else would be prioritized first and when I would end up having time, it no longer seemed to matter or have any importance anymore.

However, this blog was the first time that I was committed only for me. Often people would say, oh that’s great if you have a blog. It would help a great deal for future jobs or etc, but I couldn’t share this. I created this blog in such a way that reveals the most inner parts of me that would just seem wrong to hand over to someone I would be working with professionally.Β Another second, I want to run to my mom and sister, showing them how great it is but I stop myself.

This blog helps me connect and disconnect from the life that I’m living and justifying its purpose by showing it to my family, therapist, or future boss no matter how much I want to…can’t happen. Because I know, the minute I do, it’ll suddenly become about making them proud by making something great out of this.

This post makes no sense but I guess it reflects on how I’m all over the place right now. There were so many ideas that I could have chosen to write from, however, it never flows naturally when I plan on what to write. I just can’t wait though for the calm that’s going to settle over me once I press the publish button. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to sleep tonight.

 

 

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24 comments

  1. I also have this kind of anxiety to post things on my blog… to take good care of my baby. But I find the more I read and care about things around me, the less I feel anxious about blogging, since I can come up with ideas I wish to post πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I hope you get a good night’s sleep. You deserve it! Your post is honest and lovely. By the way, I stare at my blog, too and get pretty annoyed about not blogging. I hope to read more from you! Best wishes, Marie

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Hi
    I read your posts and a deep sense of melancholy, sensitivity and strength flowed through your words. simply loved your writing and delighted to come across your blog. just like I am also a person who seems highly emotional but bottles up the most important emotions and experiences.
    I have also recently started a blog to reach out to and learn from other like minded souls.. and also to fight the constant feeling of wasting my life without doing anything productive.
    so .. it will be great if you could take time to check out my blog.
    https://themerrygoroundblog.wordpress.com

    Liked by 3 people

      • I’m beginning to learn that. It’s scary though. I’ve never opened up so much before. However, the blog is changing me. I’m more straightforward and open with people in real life than I’ve ever been. Because of it, I’ve never felt so light.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Then that is a good thing! You are gaining more confidence in yourself. When you write so sort things out.. If you keep it up and look back in a year you will probably recognize all kinds of things different about yourself. This is just the beginning.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you!! I hope this is just the beginning as well.
        I’m sorry though, my hand literally spazzed and I accidentally deleted the other comment without realizing. I was going to say I agree though that in reality people don’t think or judge others as often as we think in reality. I hope I can find the comment again!!! 😦

        Liked by 1 person

  4. What I found when I started blogging was friends. My main blog – my name is Jamie is for someone else, his life in prison so the focus is about him and his experience and I’m writing a book about him, too “Inside The Forbidden Outside” (there are first draft chapters on the blog if you’d like to read) But there were other things I wanted to write about so I started another blog -Watch and Whirl.

    I found that the people who think they know you, your family and personal friends, probably don’t know you and often think they have to right to judge you and expect you to listen. Some of the friends I’ve made online, all over the world, has been wonderful. It’s easier to open up and talk about how I feel. It’s easier to be understanding of others. My mom, who is very old school says, “I don’t see how you can spend so much time doing that.” meaning time on line. I have 2sisters I’m not even close to being friends with who judge me negatively yet they have no idea who I am our what I do. So keep on writing -your way -when you want to write. Becoming a blogger is the best thing I could have done for myself. I wish I had started sooner.

    Liked by 1 person

    • My family means everything to me but it’s been hard because I always think from other people’s perspective and try to understand them to the point where I completely ignored myself. I was scared though from getting judged because if your family can, strangers even more so but I realized that even if they did…it would be only based on my perspective. What I wrote and ever since I have been blogging, when I write it’s the first time where I’m not wondering about what the other persons thinking but only what I’m thinking about. For that, blogging has been a wonderful experience. I loved going to your blogs and you’re right. Sometimes, you need strangers in your life no matter how great a persons family is because everyone judges. It’s almost instinctual.

      I would love to continue seeing your work. Thank you for sharing a part of yourself with me! ❀ πŸ™‚ I also hope I find wonderful friends on here. I'm still a newbie but fingers crossed.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I felt your words in my heart and my soul and wanted to thank you for the courage, strength and grace that it took to write them. And all the words you’ve written on your beautiful blog (aesthetically and content-wise, both). thislifetomake is my first blog ever, the first time I’ve ever shared my thoughts publicly. At the end of the third week of posts, it’s becoming an unexpected transformative, restorative and joyous experience. I hope your experience is, or becomes, the same…so many thank yous and please don’t stop….ps. I thought of a line from a favorite song when I read your post: “I’ve been sleeping fair/Lately I could swear I’m thinking/ Clearer and Clearer “-Shawn Colvin “Ricochet in Time” . Love, Pearl

    Liked by 1 person


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