The past few days I’ve been feeling unnaturally anxious. Before, this feeling was a normal part of my day but it’s been a while since I felt this level of anxiety leveled out each day, with no trace of leaving soon.
And the reason why I was feeling anxious was for the need to post something on here. I would feel as the time was ticking away and it was soon going to be late since my last post.
I didn’t necessarily hate it. It was just that, there was nothing else to distract me or pour my efforts into. Usually I would have either so many things to do that there wouldn’t be enough space in my head to worry about all of them or literally nothing to do at all to worry about. I’ve never had only a single thing to do before.
However, for the past week or so, I’ve been putting my all into this blog. All, being that I would open my website and just stare at it. (Don’t judge)
It was awkward. Crazy. Shocking. A year ago, I wouldn’t have even imagined that I would make a blog…on private things. The girl who just uses the internet for her work and classes and rarely shares private information.
I guess the reason why I blatantly stare at my site for minutes is not from being proud, but rather from the feeling of satisfaction. I’ve come far. In my own way.
Commitment was easy for me when it was for a different reason, like joining a dozen clubs to get into a good college. Or doing well in academics for my sister or mother to be proud of. However, whenever commitment was required for something beneficial solely for me, it was always difficult. I just could never find the time, because something else would be prioritized first and when I would end up having time, it no longer seemed to matter or have any importance anymore.
However, this blog was the first time that I was committed only for me. Often people would say, oh that’s great if you have a blog. It would help a great deal for future jobs or etc, but I couldn’t share this. I created this blog in such a way that reveals the most inner parts of me that would just seem wrong to hand over to someone I would be working with professionally. Another second, I want to run to my mom and sister, showing them how great it is but I stop myself.
This blog helps me connect and disconnect from the life that I’m living and justifying its purpose by showing it to my family, therapist, or future boss no matter how much I want to…can’t happen. Because I know, the minute I do, it’ll suddenly become about making them proud by making something great out of this.
This post makes no sense but I guess it reflects on how I’m all over the place right now. There were so many ideas that I could have chosen to write from, however, it never flows naturally when I plan on what to write. I just can’t wait though for the calm that’s going to settle over me once I press the publish button. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to sleep tonight.