Transformation

style-save-us-sunAdolescence. There are so many ideals, stereotypes, and expectations of what happens during ones teen’s years. The only way I can sum it up, is that it’s so hard.

Life is already hard in general. However, it doesn’t help when people, books (despite how much I love them), and society create this image of a child when they become a teen. Often these ideals and expectations make one believe that life will be amazing and will completely change when you “come of age.”

No matter how much we wish to deny it, just the year before when you enter your teen year, the bar is set high. High meaning that even though you tell yourself aliens don’t exist, you might be the lucky heroine who will be swept off her feet by a gorgeous alien boy who falls in love with only you. But to adults, you’re at your problem age. It’s as if their waiting for you to start screwing up.

This type of mentality doesn’t only exist for adolescence, but for every big leap in life that society labels “eventful,” positively or negatively. Every day is eventful but when that bar is set so high, or set so low no matter how amazing each and every day truly is, it never god damn matters because that day was never wanted to begin with.

It reminds me of my “sweet” 16 which was extremely bitter for me.  I was in tears. On the floor. Holding the door shut with my back to the point that it hurt.

But do we truly even know what we want?  I thought I did. An Ivy league college, popularity, and etc. but when I think back… I was literally trekking through high school with a blind fold on.

I was going through every single day like a routine, traced at the back of my mind while shutting my senses off to everything around me, leaving me in darkness.

It took my two years doing utterly nothing to realize that when had I actually sat down and asked myself what college do you want to go to? Do you even want to go (the answers yes of course)? But that’s the thing. The mentality was so given. Like an alternative was not expected or even sought out by me.

So for the first two years, I was swimming with the tide quite nicely. I became popular, I was definitely heading to college, and that of course meant everything was perfect. Yet, it still felt uneventful. Not right.

Then the last two years of high school I was literally swimming against that tide. Fighting would be a better word to describe it. I was doing the unconventional. I had put myself first. Not college. Not popularity. Me.

But during those 2 years I beat myself over and over again for it. Why hadn’t I just held on? Why didn’t I just bear with the pain a little bit longer?

I was reprimanded again and again for my wrong decision. It was unintentional. But the people close to me didn’t know how to handle the situation. So they asked me why did you have to change? You were alright before.

When they asked this, I was still in the process of changing to the person I am today. Then, I was raw and unpleasant. I doubted every second of each day, was it worth it.

Finally though, I see it. I feel it. I know it and I hear it. My transformation has been beautiful.

I was always extra polite but it was to the point where it was burdensome. I would say sorry about 30 times a day because I always felt guilty and apologetic all the time. It was tiring. But I no longer say it as often as before. I no longer feel “sorry” for who I am.

I was hyper and all over the place. I couldn’t keep still. I would tell myself that it meant I was the classic energetic teenager back then. Soon I realize, I was trying too hard to fit in. It was almost as if I didn’t want to hear my own thoughts. Now I’m still the energetic, happy/ bubbly girl. But I’m calm and peaceful. I actually feel everything now. It’s difficult and a lot at times. However, it’s so empowering when I fight through a whole train ride of self consciousness, self doubt, and anxiety to go to my job. Because I felt every single horrible damn thing during those 30 minutes…and won.

I can deal me. I can handle the pain. I can fight the negative thoughts. Because they are me. With the whole change and all.

 

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33 comments

  1. Oh my…memories of a former life exposed. Not that I really grew up and still have no clue what I want to do…although back then it was football team and martial arts…no time to think apart from the times of solace in a room upstairs alone in the darkness listening to music. Good days and dark minds so to speak… Now the shoe sits upon the other foot and I am looking at my two entering the zone and trying to be more help than my own parents were…although…and this is not really on topic…well, a bit…clothes….in particular trousers for the mid teen…the bit where you move into adult sizes and yet don’t quite have the right dimensions to fit them properly…pain in the butt that’s is…just saying as remembering my own teens through the eyes of a parents of teens is a bit weird 😱

    Lovely post though and thank you for sharing your journey 💐

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for reading! For teens, personally I think the best help a parent can give is honestly support. No matter how much one wants to help them, in the end the child has to face his peers and the teenage life as an individual. However, just knowing your parents are there for you and you can go to them when you doubt yourself is literally the best possible thing for a teenager. In other words, a safe place where they can find shelter in for a few minutes.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I am in awe of you! Wow…you are wise beyond your years and such a wonderfully-insightful and sensitive soul. You sure turned you pain into purpose and, as such, you are a real inspiration. I sure could relate to the burden of people pleasing and incessant apologizing….thank you for being so genuine and generous…thanks for sharing 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I LOVE this! You put to words what so many have felt during those adolescent years–and beyond. It seems there are pressures coming from us on all sides as well as from within. As we age, I think we learn which pressures are healthy and which ones we need to ignore.Wrestling with life is hard, but its also the good stuff because somewhere deep down we know we are worth the hard work! I’m so glad you’re on a path that suits you and feeds your soul!Thank you for sharing this part of your story!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for taking the time to read my story! It’s wonderful writing and sharing my story. But I’ve also realized that the beauty of blogging also comes mainly from the response it incites from others who read what you write. So thank you! It means a lot!! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I had my own family at a very young age so my adolescence was interrupted. I had to be mature for there’s a human being who depends on me. No regrets though. Because I learned a lot about myself when I was a teenage mom 🙂

    I followed your blog so.I can read more from you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. So true! I write a lot about stereotypes and how they limit us and how we need to make decisions for ourselves, based on our own needs. I’m glad that you found your way and see the beauty in all those hard times.

    Lovely post. Thanks for sharing!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I could totally relate to this post! You have mastered the art of expressing! Truly!! The article was to the point !! Good work!
    Cheers
    Here from the pool!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Fai – there is something about the way you write, that reminds me of chocolate … or silk. The way you treat words seems to render them smooth and tasteful. Have you taken classes? I would love to have a fraction of your talent when it comes to the written word. My work seems … jagged in comparison.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for the kind words! To be honest, I have taken accelerated classes in my school but not specifically for writing because I’ve never considered myself a writer. But thank you! It really means the world to hear such encouragement! 🙂

      Like

    • I think the hard part is the hype and universal idea people create in our mentality that the teen years are so glamorous or amazing. Fighting against the stream is always hard but I’m happy for you that you were able to overcome it in your forties.
      I think saying that I’ve already overcome it, doesn’t sound right. I guess I’m still in the process of it. But the fact you were able to, gives me hope! 🙂 Thank you!

      Like


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