Adolescence. There are so many ideals, stereotypes, and expectations of what happens during ones teen’s years. The only way I can sum it up, is that it’s so hard.
Life is already hard in general. However, it doesn’t help when people, books (despite how much I love them), and society create this image of a child when they become a teen. Often these ideals and expectations make one believe that life will be amazing and will completely change when you “come of age.”
No matter how much we wish to deny it, just the year before when you enter your teen year, the bar is set high. High meaning that even though you tell yourself aliens don’t exist, you might be the lucky heroine who will be swept off her feet by a gorgeous alien boy who falls in love with only you. But to adults, you’re at your problem age. It’s as if their waiting for you to start screwing up.
This type of mentality doesn’t only exist for adolescence, but for every big leap in life that society labels “eventful,” positively or negatively. Every day is eventful but when that bar is set so high, or set so low no matter how amazing each and every day truly is, it never god damn matters because that day was never wanted to begin with.
It reminds me of my “sweet” 16 which was extremely bitter for me. I was in tears. On the floor. Holding the door shut with my back to the point that it hurt.
But do we truly even know what we want? I thought I did. An Ivy league college, popularity, and etc. but when I think back… I was literally trekking through high school with a blind fold on.
I was going through every single day like a routine, traced at the back of my mind while shutting my senses off to everything around me, leaving me in darkness.
It took my two years doing utterly nothing to realize that when had I actually sat down and asked myself what college do you want to go to? Do you even want to go (the answers yes of course)? But that’s the thing. The mentality was so given. Like an alternative was not expected or even sought out by me.
So for the first two years, I was swimming with the tide quite nicely. I became popular, I was definitely heading to college, and that of course meant everything was perfect. Yet, it still felt uneventful. Not right.
Then the last two years of high school I was literally swimming against that tide. Fighting would be a better word to describe it. I was doing the unconventional. I had put myself first. Not college. Not popularity. Me.
But during those 2 years I beat myself over and over again for it. Why hadn’t I just held on? Why didn’t I just bear with the pain a little bit longer?
I was reprimanded again and again for my wrong decision. It was unintentional. But the people close to me didn’t know how to handle the situation. So they asked me why did you have to change? You were alright before.
When they asked this, I was still in the process of changing to the person I am today. Then, I was raw and unpleasant. I doubted every second of each day, was it worth it.
Finally though, I see it. I feel it. I know it and I hear it. My transformation has been beautiful.
I was always extra polite but it was to the point where it was burdensome. I would say sorry about 30 times a day because I always felt guilty and apologetic all the time. It was tiring. But I no longer say it as often as before. I no longer feel “sorry” for who I am.
I was hyper and all over the place. I couldn’t keep still. I would tell myself that it meant I was the classic energetic teenager back then. Soon I realize, I was trying too hard to fit in. It was almost as if I didn’t want to hear my own thoughts. Now I’m still the energetic, happy/ bubbly girl. But I’m calm and peaceful. I actually feel everything now. It’s difficult and a lot at times. However, it’s so empowering when I fight through a whole train ride of self consciousness, self doubt, and anxiety to go to my job. Because I felt every single horrible damn thing during those 30 minutes…and won.
I can deal me. I can handle the pain. I can fight the negative thoughts. Because they are me. With the whole change and all.