I love this place. I’m crazy for it. It makes it even better that this place makes me fall for myself one post at a time. But right now, I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be here, physically writing these very words this exact moment.
I’m not sure why. I can’t explain it. Maybe it’s because every time something eventful or insightful would happen throughout the week, I was mentally writing my next blog post. It’s insane that every single time, whenever I come up with an idea or something to write about on here, I never once actually wrote it out on this blog.
Every post, it’s always in the moment. I write the words before they even come to me. It’s exhausting and irritating when I think about the past week of mentally working on this blog but liberating when I write something completely different. All of a sudden all those ideas, thought, and incessant ranting in my mind just disappear and I realize that this is the one place where I don’t want to plan. I don’t want to outline what I write or will write about, even if it’s a mental note to myself.
Because that’s what this has always been. A place to lighten the burden. To make me feel as if a huge weight has lifted from every part of my body. To feel as if I’m literally, in the moment.
A blogger once suggested to make a little box filled with slips of paper with a word on each of them, when you would go through writer’s block to force you to post more often as a schedule. The words were meant to provide inspiration when you would sit down to write your post but nothing would come up.
I made it and every time I would put my hand in and take a word out, I would look at it, put it aside and write about something completely different.
I ended up putting the word back into the box because it hadn’t still provided me that inspiration.
Now the box continues to gather dust. I honestly can’t believe that I just wrote about not wanting to be here. It’s awkward, makes no sense, and feels as if I just shot my lover.
But it doesn’t matter, right? At least I stayed faithful. 😉