I See You

“She’s ice and I’m fire.”

beautiful-photography-by-jurjen-harmsma1Talking about my sister is never an old topic on here. She’s always the present, a now for me.

We both have always known that I was the warm, affectionate sister and she was the witty, sarcastic one. It didn’t necessarily mean that was literally who we were but that was the way we expressed ourselves to others. Β Even though the results were always the same, where we both similarly got along with everyone, were well spoken, and were well academically achieved; we always knew that even though we were so similar, we would always be drastically different as well.

A few days ago we were both talking about how my sister and I were blind about the opposite sex for pretty much our whole life. We were always just so busy, we never actually experienced the feeling of having a crush or a “first love.” My sister and I would hear about guys that would be interested in us from others but one second we considered it and the next second we moved on. We were like “okay, so what?” and our attention went back to what was at hand. It was never about whether we wanted to feel or not. Honestly, I think the explanation is simple…we were just that busy or focused on other parts of our lives.

The other day my sister attended a diplomatic ball with the rest of her fraternity in her prestigious college. Being the one that helped put her outfit together, I knew she would look beautiful. Later that day, she told me a guy approached her during the ball telling her how everyone in the room wanted to “hook up” with her (seriously the crude language these days…), and asked why she wasn’t doing anything about it. My sister understood what he meant but feigned ignorance.

She had gotten used to the attention since her first year in college but she told me I would understand why she was confused when she called me. She explained how she suddenly wanted a fling all of a sudden. First the marriage proposals now a summer fling…

I had a hard time these past few years but at least I was dealing with my problems…my emotions. But my sister was the opposite. She coped by burying those emotions deep inside of her as if they didn’t exist. A year ago, she would often cry, which was shocking because she used to never cry, and she would say she would have no idea to why she was crying. However, while I grew up, everyday that I cried in the shower I knew whyΒ I was crying. I would be silently screaming at the ceiling to end it all. I knew that I was feeling pain. I was drowning in the emotion we call sadness.

But I spoke to her in a straight forward manner, showing her my insecurity’s, something I wouldn’t have been able to do before.

So, I told her. I told her that I never felt confident of my looks…myself physically. But I never doubted and always felt confident about who I was. My personality, the way we both held ourselves, the confidence in that never wavered.

I told her if she questions why her, the attention, and decides to sink further in that hole she’s digging for herself, I told her to go back to what she didn’t doubt. Which was her. She was amazing. Not how she looks.

Yes, I can tell her a thousand times that she’s pretty because she’s “hot” as guys often like to point out to her. But I always told her, she was beautiful. The ice she is, and that intense fire inside of her that she hides and I often feel because she lets me, she’s down right god damn gorgeous because IΒ know her.

So, I want to tell her… “I see you.” You don’t need to look for summer flings, marriage proposals, and people to make you feel that. They know it and they see it. Which is why they buzz around you like bees (like seriously).

However, to think and teach myself everyday that the strong and ice princess may have even more insecurities than me makes me want to hug her and make them go all away.

It’s become a common phrase in our household that we never used to say before. Maybe it was her break up. I’m not sure. Maybe it was my breakdown. I’m not sure.

Where we keep telling each other, “you’re beautiful.” Just hoping that the other would eventually see what we see… an unrivaled beauty.

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44 comments

  1. I love this piece so much i have six little brothers no sisters totally different dynamic. I have a brand new blog could you or anyone reading take 2 minscto check out my latedt short post any and all feedback appreciated

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It is so hard for people to look at themselves as being beautiful. We give the gift to others but then don’t recognize it. You and your sister have a special kind of beauty as well, a far more amazing and insightful beauty which can only come from your hearts. Thank you for another well written post!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I love this — the message is beautiful and it’s so nice to see how close and supportive you two are. I also love this because I’m an only child, and I would have absolutely loved growing up with a sister! Sounds so great. Alas, I’ll have to compensate by making lots of babies myself πŸ˜‰ – S

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  4. How beautiful and courageous you are! I heard on NPR this morning that the suicide rate in girls from 8-14 has drastically risen. That the cause is shrouded in mystery but they are linking it to puberty. That nugget of data bounced against my skull when I read about you crying in the shower. I desperately wanted to bottle your words and ship your message of believing in your beauty, to all the little girls and little boys (and big girls and big boys for that matter). What if there was someone back when we were little to let us know that feeling sad, mad, insecure or different was normal and that we were’t alone? I am so very grateful you are sharing your voice. May your words of encouragement reach the ears of those that need to hear it today.
    Laugh hard. Love strong. Live to serve!
    xoxo-Kimberly Crawford

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for reading! It’s insane that the suicide rates are increasing and I really do wish also that somehow it would be great if I could just make them stop feeling that way. But it’s a fight people have to fight themselves because really no one can fight that battle for them. We can help, but that’s it sadly. 😦

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  5. Even without knowing how you and your sister look, I believe that you both are beautiful. I feel like inside beauty is what counts and what lasts, and I can feel that you both have beautiful souls.
    Hope that things continue improving for you two~ πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  6. This piece is beautiful. Inspiring. Sisters are like the fairy God mother of friends lol really there’s nothing like a bond between sisters I’m one of 5 siblings. My brother is the youngest and only boy an d I’m the youngest girl. I have many memories similar to this with my sister’s and I’ll cherish them forever.

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  7. I hope you and your sister can find peace within yourselves. I know it is hard.You are very lucky to have a sister to confide in and to laugh with and be sad with. I love how you’re staying positive despite the pain deep inside. I also love how much you love and support your sister. You guys are amazing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you! It is hard but ever since I’ve started writing my blog, my honesty on the blog has been leaking into my real life. I’m so much more straight forward and honest in general as a person now. πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person


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