“She’s ice and I’m fire.”
Talking about my sister is never an old topic on here. She’s always the present, a now for me.
We both have always known that I was the warm, affectionate sister and she was the witty, sarcastic one. It didn’t necessarily mean that was literally who we were but that was the way we expressed ourselves to others. Even though the results were always the same, where we both similarly got along with everyone, were well spoken, and were well academically achieved; we always knew that even though we were so similar, we would always be drastically different as well.
A few days ago we were both talking about how my sister and I were blind about the opposite sex for pretty much our whole life. We were always just so busy, we never actually experienced the feeling of having a crush or a “first love.” My sister and I would hear about guys that would be interested in us from others but one second we considered it and the next second we moved on. We were like “okay, so what?” and our attention went back to what was at hand. It was never about whether we wanted to feel or not. Honestly, I think the explanation is simple…we were just that busy or focused on other parts of our lives.
The other day my sister attended a diplomatic ball with the rest of her fraternity in her prestigious college. Being the one that helped put her outfit together, I knew she would look beautiful. Later that day, she told me a guy approached her during the ball telling her how everyone in the room wanted to “hook up” with her (seriously the crude language these days…), and asked why she wasn’t doing anything about it. My sister understood what he meant but feigned ignorance.
She had gotten used to the attention since her first year in college but she told me I would understand why she was confused when she called me. She explained how she suddenly wanted a fling all of a sudden. First the marriage proposals now a summer fling…
I had a hard time these past few years but at least I was dealing with my problems…my emotions. But my sister was the opposite. She coped by burying those emotions deep inside of her as if they didn’t exist. A year ago, she would often cry, which was shocking because she used to never cry, and she would say she would have no idea to why she was crying. However, while I grew up, everyday that I cried in the shower I knew why I was crying. I would be silently screaming at the ceiling to end it all. I knew that I was feeling pain. I was drowning in the emotion we call sadness.
But I spoke to her in a straight forward manner, showing her my insecurity’s, something I wouldn’t have been able to do before.
So, I told her. I told her that I never felt confident of my looks…myself physically. But I never doubted and always felt confident about who I was. My personality, the way we both held ourselves, the confidence in that never wavered.
I told her if she questions why her, the attention, and decides to sink further in that hole she’s digging for herself, I told her to go back to what she didn’t doubt. Which was her. She was amazing. Not how she looks.
Yes, I can tell her a thousand times that she’s pretty because she’s “hot” as guys often like to point out to her. But I always told her, she was beautiful. The ice she is, and that intense fire inside of her that she hides and I often feel because she lets me, she’s down right god damn gorgeous because I know her.
So, I want to tell her… “I see you.” You don’t need to look for summer flings, marriage proposals, and people to make you feel that. They know it and they see it. Which is why they buzz around you like bees (like seriously).
However, to think and teach myself everyday that the strong and ice princess may have even more insecurities than me makes me want to hug her and make them go all away.
It’s become a common phrase in our household that we never used to say before. Maybe it was her break up. I’m not sure. Maybe it was my breakdown. I’m not sure.
Where we keep telling each other, “you’re beautiful.” Just hoping that the other would eventually see what we see… an unrivaled beauty.