It’s always been easy for me to forget. It was never intentional but my brain would choose to remember completely random facts or people I’ve only seen passing on a street only once in my life. But not the pain or happiness I feel at my most prominent moments. I most likely won’t remember this very moment…awake at night unable to sleep in despair.
It made things hard. To imagine and try to remember the warmth of when I was happy to ride me through my lowest points. It was like attempting to sink into a wall, a clear failed attempt.
But at the same time, it saved me the last two years. It made things easier, on the other hand. The ability to forget the pain, the bullies, the nightmares that haunted me at night, and everything that came into my life like a tragic, painful package deal. It was like how I would logically speak to myself, when I would cry, that things were okay. I would tell myself how I had so many things to be happy for, but would feel no fuzzy feelings as if I were talking about another person’s happy life. It was the same when I was okay. I would feel disconnected to the pain that I no longer felt. That place that was filled with intense emotions for one second in the past would suddenly feel empty and void…
I’ve heard a lot of things I didn’t deserve to hear. From my peers. From my family. From strangers. But the sudden school popularity, finally feeling the love of my family, and plain acceptance of being happy wouldn’t have been possible to handle if I couldn’t easily forget.
If I hadn’t possessed that ability, the point that I had crashed too would have taken more than the two years that it took for me to even reach a place where I could even try to start to recover.
It’s scary and terrifying. Yet beautiful and amazing. I’m thankful that my forgetfulness got me here, where I am today. Right here, in this moment writing who I was, am, and will be.
This is horrible writing…
Shut up inner voice I will post. I shall post.
But it sucks Fai.
Ugh you, my inner voice, make me feel like crap. That’s what sucks.
(I’m gonna hide my face in my pillow because I totally just wrote out a a bit of my inner monologue out of nowhere because I’m completely reconsidering this ever seeing the light of day. So if you read this, that means I won! 🙂 )