The Ability to Forget

back-dusk-girl-nature-sit-favim-com-324361_largeIt’s always been easy for me to forget. It was never intentional but my brain would choose to remember completely random facts or people I’ve only seen passing on a street only once in my life. But not the pain or happiness I feel at my most prominent moments. I most likely won’t remember this very moment…awake at night unable to sleep in despair.

It made things hard. To imagine and try to remember the warmth of when I was happy to ride me through my lowest points. It was like attempting to sink into a wall, a clear failed attempt.

But at the same time, it saved me the last two years. It made things easier, on the other hand. The ability to forget the pain, the bullies, the nightmares that haunted me at night, and everything that came into my life like a tragic, painful package deal. It was like how I would logically speak to myself, when I would cry, that things were okay. I would tell myself how I had so many things to be happy for, but would feel no fuzzy feelings as if I were talking about another person’s happy life. It was the same when I was okay. I would feel disconnected to the pain that I no longer felt. That place that was filled with intense emotions for one second in the past would suddenly feel empty and void…

I’ve heard a lot of things I didn’t deserve to hear. From my peers. From my family. From strangers. But the sudden school popularity, finally feeling the love of my family, and plain acceptance of being happy wouldn’t have been possible to handle if I couldn’t easily forget.

If I hadn’t possessed that ability, the point that I had crashed too would have taken more than the two years that it took for me to even reach a place where I could even try to start to recover

It’s scary and terrifying. Yet beautiful and amazing. I’m thankful that my forgetfulness got me here, where I am today. Right here, in this moment writing who I was, am, and will be.

 

 

***

This is horrible writing… 

Shut up inner voice I will post. I shall post. 

But it sucks Fai. 

Ugh you, my inner voice, make me feel like crap. That’s what sucks. 

***

(I’m gonna hide my face in my pillow because I totally just wrote out a a bit of my inner monologue out of nowhere because I’m completely reconsidering this ever seeing the light of day. So if you read this, that means I won! 🙂 )

 

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27 comments

  1. This kinda phase comes in everyone’s life.
    And we have nothing except putting out all our thoughts on that blank paper.
    I know how hard that 2 years must have been for you. The more you tried to move on, your thoughts must have pushed you equally back.
    Ups and downs are the major parts of life. Taking out positives from the bad’s and making the most during our good’s is what I think each one of us should be doing. I like people who don’t give up. Am glad that you came out of it like a champion.
    And based on my experience, you must be feeling so good now, so fresh. I think these times are needed to get to know about our real self.
    Thanks for writing this.
    Hope to see more of writings like this in the future.

    P.S. – I loved that picture. Perfectly matches with your blog.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Your inner monologue reminded me of my own thinking. Right now I’m working on two stories, and many times I’ll think my writing sucks. It’s hard to write some days because I’ll just keep telling myself how horrible I am. However, I know if I don’t post, then I’ll never accomplish my goals 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Memory is a fragile things sometimes, as I have come to learn. I have posted many times about my lack of memory from childhood through teenage years; lack of even the good memories. I think they were there, they must have been – good things must have happened, but they got lost somewhere along the line. Someone once suggested to me that I was living in fear constantly back then an so my mind blocked everything good too. the problem is that I remember much of the bad, although nit all, pieces really, but none of the good or normal daily life. I have learned to accept it instead of trying so hard to remember. Perhaps someday when I am ready, it will come back. You are not alone sweetness. Our lives are twists and turns and all we can do is find our way through it and come out stronger on the other side. I believe in you! HUGS!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I can completely relate! I know that I had experienced good memories as a child but when I was younger and would say I was never happy in my mind,I thought it was me being dramatic. But then I realized it was actually physically and mentally hard to remember those happy memories. Even if they had occured, because I couldn’t remember them, they suddenly became nonexistent to me. But best of luck to you as well! Sending lots of love! ❤

      Liked by 1 person


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