Eyes Shut Tight

sad-alone-cute-girl-waiting-someone-windowIt began before puberty. It was something I didn’t understand. This innate hunger to be touched in ways no one would understand…even I couldn’t understand. It was my hidden secret. When a peer told me in middle school that she had dreams of sex, for a second I felt better. For a second that hidden part of me gave a sigh of relief. She felt normal.

It wasn’t about shame but rather I wasn’t sure how to handle that intense sexual drive or vigor or whatever you wish to call it, hidden inside of me. To me, being cautious and modest came as second nature. When I was only a child, I remember outright crying whether my father saw me running to my bedroom in my towel. I still tell my mother and sister to turn around when changing, where we’ve never seen each others naked bodies.

So it was hard. Confusion would course through my mind as a war raged between my modesty and sexuality, both of which were instinctual to me. I would blush when anyone would mention sex, often called innocent. Inexperience and annoyed was more like it. The definition of innocence being so entangled with the mentality of sex irritated and confused the hell out of me to the core.

So when I would lose my virginity, I was no longer innocent? Why couldn’t I just be all three? Modest, innocent, and a woman in tune with her sexual side? I mean we already established I’m a complicated girl. A simple complexity.

But even though I’ve finally begun to embrace my innocence, modesty, and sexuality, it’s hard to accept all these sides together when society favors one over the other. It becomes easy for them to begin to love the girl who does the “right” thing as society thinks. Even though what they think is so contradicting. Some think I should be partying and getting illegally drunk while on the other hand many think its right for me to worry about my future and stay away from men.

All I know is how tiring and conflicting my mind is as I still deny the natural rights of my hidden side that’s stowed far away in some corner. Yes, I can have a dirty mind. Why is that so shocking to the people I know? I get it. I’m 5’2, have the face of a 12 year old despite my actual age, and can be just plain adorable. (Totally not complimenting myself there.) So even as much as people try not to, they can’t help but judge.

But in the end, for those worthless doubts, I deny another part of myself that deserves to be let out after so many years. For once I don’t want to be afraid of that side of me. Because the only time I wasn’t afraid was when my eyes were shut tight.

I want to face them with eyes wide open in the daylight…unafraid and not judged.

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23 comments

  1. Puberty is a hell of a time. Body says this, parents say that, society says a million other things and dammit if they don’t shoot our souls all to hell. Confusion and chaos seem like the only thing we know but it does get better. Getting out of puberty is physically easy, it just happens as you grow. Its more difficult to get out on an emotional level, to free your mind and your soul from the trapping years.

    I know you didn’t ask, but I want to share what helped me in hopes it helps you. Make a journal, one for only you and nobody else. In it first write down exactly how you would describe yourself using positive words. Second write down what you consider to be your ‘flaws.’ Those thoughts, those insecurities, pour them all onto paper and at the bottom write, “It’s ok” because it is OK to feel. Now burn the paper, light it with a match and let all those insecurities go with the smoke. Watch it as it burns and tell yourself they will no longer control you, you will control them because they are your emotions and your feelings.

    From now on know that all your feelings are okay. Honor yourself first, let yourself be honest even if it makes you uncomfortable at first. Do it anyway. Grow into the budding woman you are meant to be.

    I know you didn’t ask..but I hope it helps at least a little. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you so much! Reading this made my day and was just plain wonderful! I can’t wait to try your suggestion with the list! It’s wonderful that it worked for you! Fingers crossed it works for me too! ❀ πŸ™‚

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  2. That’s such a brave post to put out there, Fai. I would imagine that everyone in the world has felt the uncertainty that you have expressed here but there are not many that would be so open as to share their thoughts – much to everyone’s loss. I’m pretty sure that your perspective will change as your circumstances alter and that the thoughts that you have now will be like a curio from a past self and another world. I felt much the same as you at your age and I now feel very different about myself. Thanks for sharing this, and keep up the good work. Your honesty and strength do you credit.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I love the idea that we should all be able to posses multiple facets to our personalities – that we can be complex beings. Women face so much pressure to be one thing or another, and it’s so freeing when you realize you can just embrace who you are, even if that changes from day to day.

    Liked by 1 person


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