It began before puberty. It was something I didn’t understand. This innate hunger to be touched in ways no one would understand…even I couldn’t understand. It was my hidden secret. When a peer told me in middle school that she had dreams of sex, for a second I felt better. For a second that hidden part of me gave a sigh of relief. She felt normal.
It wasn’t about shame but rather I wasn’t sure how to handle that intense sexual drive or vigor or whatever you wish to call it, hidden inside of me. To me, being cautious and modest came as second nature. When I was only a child, I remember outright crying whether my father saw me running to my bedroom in my towel. I still tell my mother and sister to turn around when changing, where we’ve never seen each others naked bodies.
So it was hard. Confusion would course through my mind as a war raged between my modesty and sexuality, both of which were instinctual to me. I would blush when anyone would mention sex, often called innocent. Inexperience and annoyed was more like it. The definition of innocence being so entangled with the mentality of sex irritated and confused the hell out of me to the core.
So when I would lose my virginity, I was no longer innocent? Why couldn’t I just be all three? Modest, innocent, and a woman in tune with her sexual side? I mean we already established I’m a complicated girl. A simple complexity.
But even though I’ve finally begun to embrace my innocence, modesty, and sexuality, it’s hard to accept all these sides together when society favors one over the other. It becomes easy for them to begin to love the girl who does the “right” thing as society thinks. Even though what they think is so contradicting. Some think I should be partying and getting illegally drunk while on the other hand many think its right for me to worry about my future and stay away from men.
All I know is how tiring and conflicting my mind is as I still deny the natural rights of my hidden side that’s stowed far away in some corner. Yes, I can have a dirty mind. Why is that so shocking to the people I know? I get it. I’m 5’2, have the face of a 12 year old despite my actual age, and can be just plain adorable. (Totally not complimenting myself there.) So even as much as people try not to, they can’t help but judge.
But in the end, for those worthless doubts, I deny another part of myself that deserves to be let out after so many years. For once I don’t want to be afraid of that side of me. Because the only time I wasn’t afraid was when my eyes were shut tight.
I want to face them with eyes wide open in the daylight…unafraid and not judged.