I need out. I want out.
My recent job was my turning point that helped me crawl out of the comfortable bed I made for myself in the deep hole that only seemed to get deeper as the days passed by while I holed away at home. Home at that time became my haven. My comfort zone. But as always it became my poison as always when I stayed too long. Before it was for my parents fighting. Now it was because it became an obstacle for me. Preventing me from trekking out into the outside world. However the job I was working at was an event over the span of 4 months. So, it was temporary if anything. After the event happened, the small family that formed over the past few months disbanded all going their own ways. Now I fear I’m finding my way back into that comfortable bed.
I did apply for other jobs but while waiting for the results whether I was accepted or not lead me back to the imminent waiting at home. It sucked if anything. I could automatically feel the withdrawal symptoms at not feeling the sun basking on my skin.
Anyone can easily say it’s my own fault in not going out. I could easily step out to take a walk or ride my bike. But I don’t know how to explain it. It’s so easy but lacks the basic thing that I seem to be craving…purpose. The job I had gave me exactly that. A purpose…a reason to get out of bed. And I was happy that the reason made me feel happy even when I wanted to do anything but go to work. It was a weird happy but there was a feeling of content as I would grudgingly wake up early in the morning and question whether I wanted to go or not. But somehow I would find myself outside walking before I could answer myself.
That told me I was okay. That told me I was just starting. Just starting to be happy at finding my way back into society…back into my life. However, one of the main jobs that I applied to am and really aiming for is scaring the crap at me. Not out of fear but rather the sudden confidence I feel as if I’m already accepted.
I won’t lie. The interviewers and the people there gave me every reason to believe that they would accept me as they continually singled me out. But it scares me, knowing that this automatic response of thinking I will have some type of stability for the next few months without even getting a confirmation from them yet…scares me. What if I get disappointed? What if I lose hope and have relapse for something people say is so small?
I’ve tried so hard not to have that confidence but it’s just there. I don’t know how to explain or even know how it’s possible to be confident for something out of your own control.
Despite that, I don’t even care about anything at this point but just hope that I don’t go backwards from here. I just started taking a step forward. I can’t fall. I won’t fall. I hope I don’t. Because I’ve learned there isn’t anyone to catch you. There is no one waiting down in that hole.
You have to catch yourself. Pick yourself up. Others can only urge you on. They can’t do it for you. They won’t.