If Only I Did Fall, I Wish I Fall Into You Arms

inhale565pxI need out. I want out.

My recent job was my turning point that helped me crawl out of the comfortable bed I made for myself in the deep hole that only seemed to get deeper as the days passed by while I holed away at home. Home at that time became my haven. My comfort zone. But as always it became my poison as always when I stayed too long. Before it was for my parents fighting. Now it was because it became an obstacle for me. Preventing me from trekking out into the outside world. However the job I was working at was an event over the span of 4 months. So, it was temporary if anything. After the event happened, the small family that formed over the past few months disbanded all going their own ways. Now I fear I’m finding my way back into that comfortable bed.

I did apply for other jobs but while waiting for the results whether I was accepted or not lead me back to the imminent waiting at home. It sucked if anything. I could automatically feel the withdrawal symptoms at not feeling the sun basking on my skin.

Anyone can easily say it’s my own fault in not going out. I could easily step out to take a walk or ride my bike. But I don’t know how to explain it. It’s so easy but lacks the basic thing that I seem to be craving…purpose. The job I had gave me exactly that. A purpose…a reason to get out of bed. And I was happy that the reason made me feel happy even when I wanted to do anything but go to work. It was a weird happy but there was a feeling of content as I would grudgingly wake up early in the morning and question whether I wanted to go or not. But somehow I would find myself outside walking before I could answer myself.

That told me I was okay. That told me I was just starting. Just starting to be happy at finding my way back into society…back into my life. However, one of the main jobs that I applied to am and really aiming for is scaring the crap at me. Not out of fear but rather the sudden confidence I feel as if I’m already accepted.

I won’t lie. The interviewers and the people there gave me every reason to believe that they would accept me as they continually singled me out. But it scares me, knowing that this automatic response of thinking I will have some type of stability for the next few months without even getting a confirmation from them yet…scares me. What if I get disappointed? What if I lose hope and have relapse for something people say is so small?

I’ve tried so hard not to have that confidence but it’s just there. I don’t know how to explain or even know how it’s possible to be confident for something out of your own control.

Despite that, I don’t even care about anything at this point but just hope that I don’t go backwards from here. I just started taking a step forward. I can’t fall. I won’t fall. I hope I don’t. Because I’ve learned there isn’t anyone to catch you. There is no one waiting down in that hole.

You have to catch yourself. Pick yourself up. Others can only urge you on. They can’t do it for you. They won’t.

 

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17 comments

  1. Reminded of a big interview I had once. I remember the guy saying “Other than what you’ve already told, why else should I hire you? ”
    I walked out like a boss. I tilly there were 24 interviewers but only two were actually hired. Myself and someone else. Best of luck to you 😊

    Liked by 2 people

    • Haha wow! Congrats! They always ask that question and even though it’s a good question it’s hard to not get flustered. So envious that you walked out like a boss. I need to practice my exit now for next time. πŸ˜‰

      Liked by 1 person

  2. β€œβ€¦only the loving find love, and they never have to search for it.” from Those who Search for Love – D.H. Lawrence. Your journey, now, just seems to be about being and loving yourself first. Thanks for sharing the journey. Hope you get the job.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. good luck its good to remind yourself you can do it and you would not fail it gives courage and increases self esteem but the thought of saving you is so great i know we live in reality where you have to do it yourself but in fantasy and dreams world and all that anime,drams where a girl is saved by a hero that scene makes our hearts jump do not it ? so yeah the line is great if i fall i want to fall in your arms wish we lived in anime world hahahha

    Liked by 2 people

  4. unemployment is exhausting to say it truthfully. I feel what you are feeling. I try to avoid ppl who are always asking..hows getting a job going? I want to scream, leave me alone. Those interview questions are worse than a blind date. The last interview I had I walked out shaking this ladies hand and looked her in the eye and said, don’t judge a book by it’s cover. I didn’t want to work for her anyways..lol
    Thanks for stopping by my blog, I hope we can find ourselves laughing together soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Wow! I loved it because I could relate to it… The continous movement between extreme confidence and fear.. But you know what believing in oneself is not a mistake is not a mistake..I did believe and have landed a job in Canada.. Just believe and work towards it..you will get it ..

    Liked by 1 person


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