I’ve started to become greedy. Greedy to feel the sun. Greedy to have fun. And greedy to work hard.
Several months of ago I was a bundle of fear. In a way, I still am. What if I go back to that cage? The cage I made for myself for the past two years. I’m terrified that I’ll go back to where I started. But then I still hear the reassurance from my therapist. “You’ve tasted the blood. You won’t be able to go back because you won’t want to. So I’m not worried.”
She was right. I physically can’t stay at home anymore. I feel restless now as I stare at my white spotless ceiling.
I no longer like it as my only companion. I almost hate it.
But now the 9 to 5 schedule I always took for granted, I’ve begun to look forward to it. The happiness to actually be tired enough to physically sleep at night gives me a joy that I can’t even describe. I actually sleep at night. That itself is just amazing.
So when it turns 7 am in the morning, despite how tired I am and just want to pull the blanket over my head, I slap myself mentally as a reminder of the happiness I’ll feel if I can just get out of my bed.
I’ll be able to feel that sun that I feel greedy for. I’ll have the chance to have the fun I crave for. (Because right now I’m an 18 year old with no life). And have the motivation to pursue my greedy ambitions. Because like everyone, I am human. And I have wants as I have my needs. And those wants are just as important to make a fulfilling life as those needs are.
I’ve missed you…