Emotions are so fleeting yet they can be so controlling…dictating your decisions and thoughts for that very moment. And with it comes the uncertainty whether or not that moment makes your future, ruins it, or just another of the many things you just won’t remember.
I feel like crap right now. I most likely won’t remember this the next day but within me is the stacked tension of several weeks that’s waiting to explode . Several weeks ago I had started a new internship. Before getting the new job, fear consumed once in awhile as I was between two jobs. The worry if I would withdraw into the recesses of my room was often unbearable. But soon it became a distant memory because I soon became happy. I got the job. I was out of the house every day before 8. Life was finally normal.
However, it didn’t take long for the stress to consume me. The work was fine but the vigor I began in the effort to catch up in my studies tore me into shreds. I got sick the traditional way. I caught a cold.
I was bedridden, unable to speak and my moral on a new low. I couldn’t concentrate and my exam date just creeped closer.
Unable to meet my therapist for several weeks for the conflicting schedule began to take a toll on me as well. It was almost as if everything was going wrong because I had gotten too happy.
I tried to console myself. There was something my sister told me that rang so true…
“Everyone will have their sadness, their hardships, and pain. What we can do is embrace it when it comes and really let it hit us hard. That means as much as it hurt, the next day we will be that much happier… because we already paid the price.”
Instead of thinking that something bad will happened every time I’m happy, think that every time you’re sad you’ll be paid back in smiles. She told me it was my time right now. I went through two years of pain already, it’s my time now.
It was consoling, I admit. It wasn’t the usual romantic ideal we give ourselves. It was a more optimistic, realistic view of life as we know it. But it’s only been a few weeks. Did I spend all my happiness already? I know it’s wrong to think of happiness as a quantity. I can’t help it though. It’s because I know there is a limit.
I can feel it. I’m going to screw that exam up. Everyone says, so what? It’s just an exam. But for me it represents either my future or a setback. I just don’t want to waste any more time. Is it that wrong to be so scared? Then why can’t I help it?
I had thought I had already paid the price. Is there more that I have to pay?