Paying the Price


Emotions are so fleeting yet they can be so controlling…dictating your decisions and thoughts for that very moment. And with it comes the uncertainty whether or not that moment makes your future, ruins it, or just another of the many things you just won’t remember.

I feel like crap right now. I most likely won’t remember this the next day but within me is the stacked tension of several weeks that’s waiting to explode . Several weeks ago I had started a new internship. Before getting the new job, fear consumed once in awhile as I was between two jobs. The worry if I would withdraw into the recesses of my room was often unbearable. But soon it became a distant memory because I soon became happy. I got the job. I was out of the house every day before 8. Life was finally normal.

However, it didn’t take long for the stress to consume me. The work was fine but the vigor I began in the effort to catch up in my studies tore me into shreds. I got sick the traditional way. I caught a cold.

I was bedridden, unable to speak and my moral on a new low. I couldn’t concentrate and my exam date just creeped closer.

Unable to meet my therapist for several weeks for the conflicting schedule began to take a toll on me as well. It was almost as if everything was going wrong because I had gotten too happy.

I tried to console myself. There was something my sister told me that rang so true…

“Everyone will have their sadness, their hardships, and pain. What we can do is embrace it when it comes and really let it hit us hard. That means as much as it hurt, the next day we will be that much happier… because we already paid the price.”

Instead of thinking that something bad will happened every time I’m happy, think that every time you’re sad you’ll be paid back in smiles. She told me it was my time right now. I went through two years of pain already, it’s my time now.

It was consoling, I admit. It wasn’t the usual romantic ideal we give ourselves. It was a more optimistic, realistic view of life as we know it. But it’s only been a few weeks. Did I spend all my happiness already? I know it’s wrong to think of happiness as a quantity. I can’t help it though. It’s because I know there is a limit.

I can feel it. I’m going to screw that exam up. Everyone says, so what? It’s just an exam. But for me it represents either my future or a setback. I just don’t want to waste any more time. Is it that wrong to be so scared? Then why can’t I help it?

I had thought I had already paid the price. Is there more that I have to pay?  



  1. There is always more to pay. Fear is natural. If you aren’t creating a shitstorm for yourself by changing jobs and chasing a degree then you know what will happen? You’ll get comfortable. You’ll get soft. You’ll find yourself somewhat happy but never really fulfilled and then BAM life will take back its loan.

    Happiness and fulfillment in life is a lot like money…you can work hard for it now, scraping your hands, head, and heart to the core and find the payoff later. Sure you might be less rich. You might not always have bills paid but when it comes to it you’ve EXPERIENCED life, instead of postponing it and taking the freeway. The toils you’ve endured are paid for not in coin but in happiness, fulfillment, wisdom.

    Or you can borrow from the bank and take the easy road. Go to school, get your degree, do something you might not really love because it pays well. Sure its easier, there are less hard times. Sure your pocketbook is lined to the brim and bills are paid, but when the money finally comes in you have to pay interest, it’s not really yours. You find yourself in a great house…alone. You find you have all the money in the world…but can’t feel true happiness. Everything becomes superficial, losing its authenticity.

    The only thing any of us really have are our experiences, they are uniquely ours. Live them. Own them. Good ones are good, bad ones are lessons and damn good stories later on. Every time something bad comes down your road it is only another challenge life is throwing at you to see if you can take it. You can. I know it. Wouldn’t be here if you couldn’t.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Waking up to read this reminded me of why I even wake up. Thank you! I can’t even explain how much this meant to me! I’ve been hearing this quite often recently where words do have power. They possess the power we give them. Thank you once again!! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Your sister has spoken words that are wise beyond measure – anyone who has ever tried to bury or hide or tamp down the emo-baddies will know this. Any sub-d (subdermal, scarred over) emotional cyst will only grow to either poison the body or burst in a hail of horror.
    So, the moral here, give yourself the time to ‘feel’ it as a total thing, absorb the moment, give it that little bit of your time (a measured amount of time, say 5-10 mins of depth), then let it go, say ‘thanks’. It did its job – which was to let you know that you are only human, with limitations on the physical plane. Those limitations do not apply to the ‘other’ plane, the one where your mind can create whole new universes. Everything in life is about change. And exams – well, we’re tested in some way every day, and we get through it, we learn from these experiences, and we find we go out there to find them, because each time we test something about ourselves, we grow not only stronger, but are more a part of our community.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Loved everything you said! Comparing the fact to hiding a cyst to which will only respond in growing and becoming worse hit it on point. We don’t need to devote all of our time to absorbing pain but only a few minutes with utter devotion to make the happiness that will defintely come after it to be more worth it. 😀

      Liked by 1 person

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