The Little Monster Inside

miki_takahashi_02The ideology that evil exists in all of us seems to be proving true, more often than I would like. The right phrase would be the “potential of evil” exists within all of us.

I’m not an angel. I might be genuine but genuine doesn’t always mean a ticket straight to heaven. I’ve done bad things. However, my whole life I’ve tried insanely to be good. It was almost easy when everyone appointed me to be the sweet goody too shoes that’s too nice for her own good. Especially with my petite body and young face that makes me look younger than my age, innocent was easily tied in with my name.

I won’t lie. I took it with a stride. At first it was to fit in. Then it became my mask to the outside world. Now, it’s who I want to be. Not necessarily innocent but someone that tries to be better everyday. Someone who wants to be kinder everyday.

I started to learn that don’t always emphasize “who am I” or what type of person you are now. Putting out there vigorously “who I want to be” seems to speak leaps and bounds more than who I am now. Because we are always a work in progress. This moment is just a moment. Who you are now won’t last. It is of course important but think of it this way. Who you are now was who you wanted to be yesterday. The day you can start saying that, your insecurities become a source of power.

Again, I won’t lie. It still sucks when I doubt myself and let myself drown in my insecurities. I definitely don’t feel powerful. But that’s who I’m trying everyday to be.

But what’s also not so great is that little monster inside of me. My not so blunt sister (hint the sarcasm) often likes to compare the fact that I was like the devil or a complete monster the past two years.

It hurt to hear that. I mean I wasn’t going through a teenage rebellion. Even through all the hurt and pain I was still nursing, I had still wanted to come out as the good person. The want of being a “good person” (cue in the vague words) also destroyed me. Embracing the fact that I can be a bad person doesn’t feel all too great but it’s the start on trying to work on it. And no, I’m not saying go full fill your urges if you want to kill someone. I’m saying to accept the thought with open arms and work on that thought. Because what we think and believe have a huge influence on who we put out to the world.

I’ve admitted that I’m judgey. Again it hurt me to accept that. But everyone judges. But I realized that at least I take the effort to slap myself mentally everyday and say, “what you just thought was wrong.”

Living life as a “nice” person doesn’t mean you’ll live a better life. It might make it a bit easier in the fact that people might welcome you with open arms. Might being the key word.

But I’m making my life harder for myself than it has to be in the fact that I want to better myself. And again it doesn’t mean being nice is better. “Better” is what you label it as.

I actually need to learn how to fight back more. In fact, my sister’s “mean” side has been rubbing off on me recently. That being said, that mean side was something I admired in her because it isn’t meant with a negative connotation. She’s sassy and strong and doesn’t let people get away with crossing her. On the other hand, I stood silently and let people come at me while I just listened.

I need that little monster inside me as much as I need that good angel. I’m not sure about heaven in the afterlife because of it but for now, it’ll help me get through the life I’m supposed to be living right now at this moment.

 

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16 comments

  1. I’m always so impressed by how perceptive and thoughtful you are that I often forget that you’re still very young–I mean that as a compliment, and if it doesn’t sound like one it’s because my 19-year-old self was the opposite of perceptive and thoughtful! It took me decades to come to the realization that you describe here: that *wanting* to be good isn’t enough to make you good. To be truly good, we must be critical of ourselves, acknowledge our bad parts, and work to overcome them. The fact that you’re taking an honest look at yourself and finding your flaws means you’re miles ahead of people who just blindly accept themselves as “good.” Don’t get discouraged!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Are you familiar with Melissa Ambrosini’s book, “Mastering Your Mean Girl”? This made me think of it. Maybe it’d be worth checking out 🙂

    Liked by 1 person


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