I seek to fulfill this craving. A craving that has hit me so hard, that it can’t be explained. People’s lives are in turmoil…with relationships, work, family, and love. But here I am reaching out, learning that being happy alone is a whole struggle on its own.
And no, I don’t mean being physically alone but in your mind where no matter how hard you try, the only companion you’ll find is only yourself. I’ve depended too much on the thought of one day falling in love. That earth shattering type of love that would change the world as I see it. I knew it wasn’t only because of the lack of love between my parents to why I so earnestly needed a man to make it right. To me, everyone…life and society has told me that love is all. It is everything.
So, yes I’ve had those days where I’ve pathetically cried in fear that I might never find him, my other half. I don’t just mean finding anyone, but a man that will make me feel happy being with him. So, yes I’ve recently been staring at all couples with pure envy as they cuddle within the line of my vision. I’m pretty sure by 17 in the books I’ve read, quite unrealistically, the main character found “the one” already. They were clearly horrible books…
At first it was easy to draw a thick line between reality and fantasy. In reality I had to learn to love myself; attempt to better myself. That was the priority. But beyond that, in my imagination there was this conception that only love could truly make me happy. I know. It sounds like complete bullshit. I hate myself for being like this. No matter how much I try not to depend on the thought of it, it’s the reminder that even though love is just an accessory to life, people (especially I) have changed the whole meaning to something like the fact that our lives depend on falling in love to be truly happy.
So, no. The fading lipstick on my lips aren’t from the traces of passionate kisses but rather from leaving repetitive imprints upon the stainless steel of my thermos as I drink my coffee to keep me awake as I type this.
Fai, just focus on being a working woman. Right now, that’s your reality. Not running off into the sunset.