Peace & Paradise

girl-sitting-alone-in-sea-side-beach-watching-sunset-hd-image

I seek to fulfill this craving. A craving that has hit me so hard, that it can’t be explained. People’s lives are in turmoil…with relationships, work, family, and love. But here I am reaching out, learning that being happy alone is a whole struggle on its own.

And no, I don’t mean being physically alone but in your mind where no matter how hard you try, the only companion you’ll find is only yourself. I’ve depended too much on the thought of one day falling in love. That earth shattering type of love that would change the world as I see it. I knew it wasn’t only because of the lack of love between my parents to why I so earnestly needed a man to make it right. To me, everyone…life and society has told me that love is all. It is everything.

So, yes I’ve had those days where I’ve pathetically cried in fear that I might never find him, my other half. I don’t just mean finding anyone, but a man that will make me feel happy being with him. So, yes I’ve recently been staring at all couples with pure envy as they cuddle within the line of my vision. I’m pretty sure by 17 in the books I’ve read, quite unrealistically, the main character found “the one” already. They were clearly horrible books…

At first it was easy to draw a thick line between reality and fantasy. In reality I had to learn to love myself; attempt to better myself. That was the priority. But beyond that, in my imagination there was this conception that only love could truly make me happy. I know. It sounds like complete bullshit. I hate myself for being like this. No matter how much I try not to depend on the thought of it, it’s the reminder that even though love is just an accessory to life, people (especially I) have changed the whole meaning to something like the fact that our lives depend on falling in love to be truly happy.

So, no. The fading lipstick on my lips aren’t from the traces of passionate kisses but rather from leaving repetitive imprints upon the stainless steel of my thermos as I drink my coffee to keep me awake as I type this.

Fai, just focus on being a working woman. Right now, that’s your reality. Not running off into the sunset.

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34 comments

  1. You are not alone in this. I’m 36, single and never been married. Within the past several years I have watched many (and by that I mean all) of my friends marry, start families, etc. and I sit at home, alone, drowning myself in love movies. In what is probably a bout of survival I’ve begun to prepare myself mentally to succumbing to the idea that I may always live the loner life.

    When watching others I tend to be harder on myself; “Am I ugly?” “Am I not talented enough?” “Does my personality suck or something?” As ridiculous as that sounds those are truly the thoughts that pass in my head. not in a judge mental sort of way but in more of a justification as to why I’m still single. Anyway, sorry for the long comment. Obviously your blog post truly rings with me! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • I hope you feel better and never have those thoughts again! The amount of encouragement you’ve provided me with just words prove you’re a wonderful person and have so much to offer. I think that’s we’re learning. Love isn’t everything! Relationships and companionships do have importance but they don’t always have to come in the form of the soulmate type love society always depicts. They can come in the form of friends, siblings, and more. For me the best came from my family while on the other hand I have no genuine friends but millions of acquaintances. I commend you for being so honest and truly wonderful! Thank you!!’ Sending lots of love 💕

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I can totally relate. I’ve also sought “love” from other guys, but their love never made me complete. I’ve found and I truly truly believe that you have to love yourself first, because no other love will ever be enough ❤ Stay strong!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I think this is a fear most people experience. Nobody realistically wants to end up alone; as human beings we seek meaningful companionship.

    What I will say is that the more you invest in building a life you are proud of and excited about, the more likely someone will want to be a part of it. At the end of the day, happiness is an inside job and the less you chase after love, the more effortlessly it seems to appear.

    Like

    • Sorry for the late reply! For some reason this comment went into my spam. But your advice is lovely. Happiness is an inside job. So, I’m going to stop chasing after love and let it effortlessly appear. Thank you!! ❤

      Like

  4. I don’t agree with the notion that one’s happiness is dependant on external factors, including other people.
    Granted, life tastes better when shared with a significant, significant other, but our happiness is ours and ours alone to create and to own.
    Keep at it!!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Ow! I liked it! It’s a honest text about how we feel sometimes not being in the “true happiness” that the world tell us that we have to live or have to reach to complete ourselves. But the truth is that happiness isn’t something that come from outside but it comes from inside out and love is a good thing, but relationship can’t be the only thing that would make us happy. We matter, we have to love ourselves, we have to find the happiness inside and live each day like it was the last. I understand that feeling you described. I loved your blog, I think it’s very interesting. Sorry for any error in my writting but i’m learning english. If you have time, please check out my blog http://www.fenixverde.wordpress.com (i write in english my posts).

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Isn’t it awful how society can make us feel like this? That our lives aren’t complete unless we’re with someone, and trot happily off into the sunset together? Almost everything on TV, magazines, many books etc reinforces this. I don’t think men feel the same pressure.

    I was single for years and always felt this way too. Then I decided to just focus on me and having a good time without worrying about serious relationships. It was a good decision but I wish I’d come to that realisation sooner.

    On another note, your blog is beautiful.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I read something that said “I’m not looking for my other half, because I’m not a half but whole”. Society, family, culture, tradition, etc puts too much expectation on people to ‘fit’ – love is good and all the things but as you get older, you tend to realise that you need to love yourself first before you can love someone else. We’ve all struggled with this and will continue to but I hope you can come to a resolution that is not compromising for you and that you can reconcile your own thoughts with. It really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, as long as you are comfortable with your decision – whatever that may be – that’s all that matters. Love and light to you and may you have a sparkle and pop kind of day!

    Liked by 1 person


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