The girl who stood before me was 17 years old and as I stared at her, I couldn’t help but feel envy. I had never found my inexperience in relationships with men or sex a burden before. But at that moment I felt ashamed. She, who was younger than me, was different than me. She had experienced the male race in more than ways than I ever had. And these males had experiences with her.
It was strange, of course, this envy. The fact that women, unfortunately, do seek validation from men as they grow, to make them feel like they were women. That envy came from the insecurities of my womanhood. However, getting hit on was still always uncomfortable.
Since re-entering society, I’ve had my share of awkwardness, fear, and excitement from the pursue of men either wanted or unwanted. The disappointing part is, I am a woman with high self esteem. I am a product of the challenges I faced for the the past two years and have realized despite my insecurities and often self-hatred…I respected myself. I might have already begun to love myself.
Despite that however, seeking validation was almost instinctual and hard to stop. I hated it when men looked pervertedly at me, but yet at the same time I seeked to be looked at by them. I began to think there was something wrong with me.
However, after speaking with other woman and reading many blogs I began to learn I wasn’t alone. Every woman, no matter how high their self- esteem is or are the hardest feminist in this world also seek this validation as they grow. So I don’t only want to blame society for the way we look at the world.
I will, however, blame ourselves because we women and men are a product of the ages before us. The ages that were filled with submission, discontent, and injustice.
I’m not speaking as a feminist but rather a defected bi-product of the evolution of humanity.
We teach ourselves to love ourselves every day yet seek that love outwards rather than inwards. We express how it’s alright to be different, that it’s normal for one person to be more in tune with their sexual side than others. However, we still seek sameness subconsciously to fit in. And we also teach that we can learn from anyone, even someone younger than us because it is impossible to be all knowing about everything in the world. Because there will always be someone that will know at least one area better than you.
Yet, I still stood there staring at this girl uncomfortably. I might be smarter, prettier, and nicer than this girl (not that I’m saying that I am but subjectively), she still stood before me with an air of superiority without even trying. That air of superiority might have been a figment of my imagination where in my mind, I assigned that aura to her…I still felt as if I wanted to shrivel up in my spot.
When I re-entered that same society I had abandoned at 16 at the age of 18, without realizing I was labeled as “innocent.”Subconsciously I began to realize unfortunately that innocence was tied with virginity. And I screamed “virgin girl” from all angles. At first, people spoke of how attractive and “sweet” it was. I was the young girl who knew nothing to them. However, to others soon that adorable, cute side began to turn into something annoying for the lack of experience. For this inexperience, for the first time, I fought with my sister in front of two others as she spoke about how I was overreacting. I responded sarcastically to how I was apologetic of not knowing enough of the world because I didn’t choose to go around dating or sleeping with anyone.
For us it was a first to fight outside of our home and was almost enough to shatter our relationship. However, it was ironic that we were truly speaking as if from the minds of our spectators. In reality my sister never had slept with anyone and only had one relationship. And even if I was a virgin I was not as “innocent” as others assumed. But we somehow expressed how others most likely viewed us, my sister’s and I, (one of our many) counterparts.
Even though we both later spoke of how we both lacked experience compared to that 17 year old girl after making amends, we still don’t know how to feel about it…