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The girl who stood before me was 17 years old and as I stared at her, I couldn’t help but feel envy. I had never found my inexperience in relationships with men or sex a burden before. But at that moment I felt ashamed. She, who was younger than me, was different than me. She had experienced the male race in more than ways than I ever had. And these males had experiences with her.

It was strange, of course, this envy. The fact that women, unfortunately, do seek validation from men as they grow, to make them feel like they were women. That envy came from the insecurities of my womanhood. However, getting hit on was still always uncomfortable.

Since re-entering society, I’ve had my share of awkwardness, fear, and excitement from the pursue of men either wanted or unwanted. The disappointing part is, I am a woman with high self esteem. I am a product of the challenges I faced for the the past two years and have realized despite my insecurities and often self-hatred…I respected myself. I might have already begun to love myself.

Despite that however, seeking validation was almost instinctual and hard to stop. I hated it when men looked pervertedly at me, but yet at the same time I seeked to be looked at by them. I began to think there was something wrong with me.

However, after speaking with other woman and reading many blogs I began to learn I wasn’t alone. Every woman, no matter how high their self- esteem is or are the hardest feminist in this world also seek this validation as they grow. So I don’t only want to blame society for the way we look at the world.

I will, however, blame ourselves because we women and men are a product of the ages before us. The ages that were filled with submission, discontent, and injustice.

I’m not speaking as a feminist but rather a defected bi-product of the evolution of humanity.

We teach ourselves to love ourselves every day yet seek that love outwards rather than inwards. We express how it’s alright to be different, that it’s normal for one person to be more in tune with their sexual side than others. However, we still seek sameness subconsciously to fit in. And we also teach that we can learn from anyone, even someone younger than us because it is impossible to be all knowing about everything in the world. Because there will always be someone that will know at least one area better than you.

Yet, I still stood there staring at this girl uncomfortably. I might be smarter, prettier, and nicer than this girl (not that I’m saying that I am but subjectively), she still stood before me with an air of superiority without even trying. That air of superiority might have been a figment of my imagination where in my mind, I assigned that aura to her…I still felt as if I wanted to shrivel up in my spot.

When I re-entered that same society I had abandoned at 16 at the age of 18, without realizing I was labeled as “innocent.”Subconsciously I began to realize unfortunately that innocence was tied with  virginity. And I screamed “virgin girl” from all angles. At first, people spoke of how attractive and “sweet” it was. I was the young girl who knew nothing to them. However, to others soon that adorable, cute side began to turn into something annoying for the lack of experience. For this inexperience, for the first time, I fought with my sister in front of two others as she spoke about how I was overreacting. I responded sarcastically to how I was apologetic of not knowing enough of the world because I didn’t choose to go around dating or sleeping with anyone.

For us it was a first to fight outside of our home and was almost enough to shatter our relationship. However, it was ironic that we were truly speaking as if from the minds of our spectators. In reality my sister never had slept with anyone and only had one relationship. And even if I was a virgin I was not as “innocent” as others assumed. But we somehow expressed how others most likely viewed us, my sister’s and I, (one of our many) counterparts.

Even though we both later spoke of how we both lacked experience compared to that 17 year old girl after making amends, we still don’t know how to feel about it…

 

 

 

The Young Promiscuous Girl

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28 comments

  1. This is honestly explicit and I can completely agree as well understand. I remember that kind of envy when I was deemed “innocent.” It did go away when I was able to have those experiences, but I rushed them because I wanted to hurry up and rid myself of my “innocent” status. Good post. Great read.

    Liked by 2 people

      • You know I don’t regret it actually. I think that’s where all the pressure comes from. I was excepting so much more out of it and that’s what made me want to just get it over with it. It actually made me a lot happier after the fact but everyone is different.

        Liked by 1 person

      • That’s extremely commendable and envy worthy. You’re right. People create high expectations than they actually come out to be, so I’m happy that you were able to conquer that obstacle. ❤ Good luck on your future endeavors. I can tell you're going to be amazing 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. It is true that a girl is looked at being innocent or not depending upon how far she has gone with her experiences with men. The society is such that we keep being fooled without realizing what we are doing. The need of the hour is to wake up from the deep sleep and to stop following the practices which don’t make any sense.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I can completely relate to both wanting and not wanting attention (Even weird, perverted attention) from men – all stemming from a lot of insecurity. It didn’t make me feel whole and well, but it did make some part of me feel good, and unfortunately, I kept accepting it, and probably seeking it, too, although at the time, I probably didn’t realize that I was looking for this sort of attention. For me, it was a matter of time and experience to see that 1) I actually don’t like this type of attention, and 2) I don’t need it either. Thank you for being so honest on something so personal. I think it’s awesome that you can reflect on this stuff and share it with others.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Pingback: Decision of Sex | Meet Me in Nevada

  5. So many interesting thoughts in a single post. One would say you can’t be 18, because I can feel that you understanding is way deeper than for people around you 🙂

    When ye are prepared for a thing, the opportunity to use it presents itself. – Edgar Cayce

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I think child abuse or an experience of sexual assault usually renders a girl guilty / ashamed of an experience most of humanity enjoy. To carry an imposed promiscuous identity on top of everything else can be truly victimizing. Perhaps a victim seldom envies ” experience” as you put it, perhaps love of a man expressed as passion is all that may be desired. Flesh has its limitations with out emotion and emotion does not happen with every man . So what is there to envy ?

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re right. In fact you’re more than right and thank you for writing that. I guess often emotions aren’t dictated by logic and even when we know there is really nothing to envy, we often still feel it. It’s irrational and hateful but again thank you for reminding me. ❤

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  7. You sound like you have a good perspective on yourself as a teenager than I was. You’re right, there is a horrible double standard with women, teenage girls in particular. If you don’t have relations with men you are labeled a prude. If you do, you are labeled as easy. It’s like there is no safe place to just exist as you are. It’s not fair in the slightest.
    I also empathize with you about having envy for that other person. I know, as a guy, things a different from my perspective, but bear with me here. In school I would see the guys who would just shamelessly flirt and date multiple girls and just be confused at what the appeal was. Didn’t they know that they weren’t interested in them for them? They just wanted the pursuit. But at the same time there was an envy to be that person; to get the attention and popularity. To have a sense of knowing what life was like better than I did now, because I couldn’t help but feel I was missing out on something. It’s an odd place to be in. To be and yet not want to be that other person who has more experience with that than you. This gets better with age, but I’d be a liar if I said it doesn’t come around from time to time.

    Liked by 1 person


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