Pain & Hunger

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“It’s late right now but I’ll watch it in the morning

Also I’m kinda missing you right now

I had a really good day but I don’t know, I kinda wish we could hang out.”

I woke out of the warmth of my bed, to see those words in a text greeting me on my lock screen. It was like for a second the sun gleaned through the cloudy day and the next second it was like a cold bucket of ice thrown over me. I shook my head, waking myself out of the daze I call sleep and tried to ignore what I just saw. I think my sister sent the text to the wrong person.

It wasn’t a big deal, I thought as I spooned my cereal with strawberry’s into my mouth. I’ll play it off. I’ll text back that I was pretty sure she meant to send that to a guy.

“Have you and your sister not talked in a while?” my mother asked. The question was random. I continued to put my head through the top of my shirt pretty sure that she had looked through my texts on my lock screen. We had just talked about this yesterday. Privacy. Instead I turned to her and said, “No, we just talked a little here and there. It’s okay. We’re just both busy.” I hadn’t lied. I was saying the complete truth. I had never felt this okay with our lack of contact. Maybe because we had a healthier relationship…

I looked back at the screen as the bus was rolling away from another stop. I finally typed back a response.

“Why do I feel like you sent this to the wrong person? 😉 I miss you too”

No response. Again it’s alright. She’s a college student. She shouldn’t be even awake at 8 am in the first place.

Then why am I here, with my hands freezing cold still feeling awkward. I don’t hear the words “I miss you” often from her. In fact I’ve realized I don’t hear it often period. I’m always the one to express my emotions first with people I truly care about. With strangers I’m often the last. So hearing the words I often repeat like a prayer, said back to me with the same nonchalance I say it in…shocked me.

I was thankful that I was hearing it at least now. But it was a big deal. Feeling appreciated was a big deal for me. It shouldn’t be but I realize now that it is. I don’t want to say it’s because I haven’t been appreciated all this time but even I have to admit that it was partially because the people around me don’t show or express their affection or love to me at all really while in comparison I do more than usual people.

So I’m deprived and hungry. For love and appreciation. And those words from the text…I ate them up as if they were my first meal in years. Although I’m still not letting my guard down. Because the minute I do accept those words completely, the text will come. And it will say that those words were for another one.

 

 

She texted back and her reason was that it’s the time of the month. So she’s emotional.

-_-

 

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2 comments

  1. My relationship with my sister is far from okay. I feel that distance does a number on our relationship. Like when I moved out she texted me all the time and when she moved farther away she would Skype me all the time. We didn’t get along when we were growing up but I guess all we needed was distance. I hope your relationship gets better.

    Liked by 2 people


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