Is this how it feels to be the right one? The right girl to marry. The one to commit to. The one he chose to have a life with. Is she supposed to feel unloved because of it?
If I’m supposed to be happy to be chosen, instead why do I feel like I’m not worthy of love?
But they tell me it’s alright. Just because he didn’t choose you first, it okay as long as you’re his last choice. No one even ends up with their first love for god’s sake. You’re the type guys want to marry.
However, I don’t even think they realize the words that come out of their lips like tendrils of smoke, poisonous and toxic. Marriage does not equal love. Neither love or marriage are a guaranteed product of one another. Even though I may be the “chosen” one for whatever man that enters my life in the future, but I have witnessed the disasters of marriage. It’s effects of slow torture towards a sad and lonely demise. If my parents could be victims, so can I. If they can be survivors, so can I. The question is whether or not if I want to be.
And I know. I know that I do not want to live life to be the “right” one for someone. I want to live it being “loved” by another. Because being “right” was not enough to console my mothers tears at night. Being “right” did not mean she was treated as such.
I only wish to have the memories of being once loved as consolation at least, if my future marriage ever painfully heads toward obliteration. Maybe that will be enough…
Enough to comfort me when I’m alone at night.