I don’t curse but there are nights like these… where I start wanting to.
Everything was fine. In fact, they were great. It was a day where so much was happening that I was high from it all. The music, the people and just the mere idea of doing something fun.
But then without realizing, they were subtle, there were things happening throughout the day that were pulling at you like a string almost getting taut. You feel the anxiety building up but because your head is still in cloud nine, you’re still okay. Till something at the end, at night right before sleep takes over, it takes one random word for you to snap. And now suddenly everything becomes relevant to each other.
Today was good, within all its crap.
But I still want to cry. I want to scream. And I want to tell everyone to fuck themselves because of how much full of bullshit everyone seems to be.
I keep telling myself to accept the fact that maybe I’m not meant for relationships. And when I say relationships, I don’t mean the first thing that comes into your mind, a man and a woman. I mean all types. Every god damn type. I don’t know what I do. Everyone speaks of how I’m nice, in fact too nice. I get along with everyone. However in the end, I still end up with people that screw me over. That don’t genuinely want good things for me. If I move on from one toxic person, then comes the next. The funny thing is, it’s everyone and happens each and every time.
I’m not needy. I express myself openly, wearing my heart on my sleeve. I can’t change it. I don’t want to change it. But is that why they want to fuck with me? The reason why they don’t want me to be happy? I’m not asking them to do anything special. All I want is someone to be genuine as I am with them. To not have bad intentions against me. I just want a goddamn innocent relationship where I’m not scared to be fucked over.
I look back at the words that took over me in anger last night. Now, there is only simply a calmness within me. I am at peace. These words resonated within me as my sister soothed me,
“In reality, no one is out there specifically with the goal to destroy you. They are only after themselves.”