Fuck Everyone

I don’t curse but there are nights like these… where I start wanting to.

broken-heart-lonely-girl-at-beach-miss-you

Everything was fine. In fact, they were great. It was a day where so much was happening that I was high from it all. The music, the people and just the mere idea of doing something fun.

But then without realizing, they were subtle, there were things happening throughout the day that were pulling at you like a string almost getting taut. You feel the anxiety building up but because your head is still in cloud nine, you’re still okay. Till something at the end, at night right before sleep takes over, it takes one random word for you to snap. And now suddenly everything becomes relevant to each other.

Today was good, within all its crap.

But I still want to cry. I want to scream. And I want to tell everyone to fuck themselves because of how much full of bullshit everyone seems to be.

I keep telling myself to accept the fact that maybe I’m not meant for relationships. And when I say relationships, I don’t mean the first thing that comes into your mind, a man and a woman. I mean all types. Every god damn type. I don’t know what I do. Everyone speaks of how I’m nice, in fact too nice. I get along with everyone. However in the end, I still end up with people that screw me over. That don’t genuinely want good things for me. If I move on from one toxic person, then comes the next. The funny thing is, it’s everyone and happens each and every time.

I’m not needy. I express myself openly, wearing my heart on my sleeve. I can’t change it. I don’t want to change it. But is that why they want to fuck with me? The reason why they don’t want me to be happy? I’m not asking them to do anything special. All I want is someone to be genuine as I am with them. To not have bad intentions against me.Β I just want a goddamn innocent relationship where I’m not scared to be fucked over.


I look back at the words that took over me in anger last night. Now, there is only simply a calmness within me. I am at peace. These words resonated within me as my sister soothed me,

“In reality, no one is out there specifically with the goal to destroy you. They are only after themselves.”

 

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26 comments

  1. I know how you feel. I’m not ready for any form of strong, consistent relationships because all of my strong, consistent relationships have historically ended in failure for one reason or the other. I’m not sure what to say because I’m at the same point as you: afraid and hurt. All I can say is that I get you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Fai,

    I’m usually not a Dear Abbey type (But here goes anyway), and I’m on the other side of the country (Deep South) and the age spectrum. That said, I not too long ago broke up with my ten year partner, and I am working again on relationships – go figure. I am also in a coaching program to develop my writing and composing skills with a lady related to Unity. Most important for you is to realize that you are a creative person!

    Here are three questions that might help you find some clarity and direction in your relationships:

    What are your non-negotiable qualities and feelings for your ideal relationship(s)? Write down what you want.

    More specific questions in terms of what I personally am clarifying: (Both of these are equally important to answer). Put your own value words in these questions

    How would I love to support/ serve/ be with another person or partner?
    How would I love to be supported/ served/ acknowledged by another person?

    I send you love in your dilemma. You are definitely not alone and without people to support you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for sharing about yourself. It’s hard but I admire you for creating something positive out of your hardships. And I’m going to go home right now and write down the answers to those questions! And even if you’re not the type to do it, you did the dear abbey quite well that you should consider being the type more often haha. ☺️

      Like

  3. I’ve felt the same way many times. The last part makes a lot of sense. So many people are selfish these days and only look out for themselves not realizing the harm they can to do to those of us who can never really understand where they’re coming from. We don’t think like they do…thank goodness. We don’t see it because we aren’t capable of it. And for that I am thankful.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hey, I sort of understand where you are coming from too. Know that you are not alone in this world. The world may at times seem to be against you, that is perfectly natural. However, you need to understand that there still are people who truly care about you, like your loved ones. I too think that genuine friends who you can truly rely upon are hard to find and its terrible when other “friends” just try to make use of you. Have faith though, I am sure you will find them one day. All the best in your future endeavours.
    Love
    The Ram

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m so sorry you have to go through tremendous pain, moving past toxic relationships and people. It hurts to trust. It’s terrifying to trust.
    But trust me when I tell you there are good people who want good things for you. They’re people who want to help you. I will never say I know exactly how you feel because that’s impossible, but I do know it takes so much energy and fight out of you. You feel like giving up, but there’s someone out there worth all of it. You’re beautiful for your kindness, and I hope you never lose it. In fact, if you need someone to talk, vent, or write with, shoot me a message, ask for my email, whatever works!
    I also came by to tell you I nominated you for the 3-Day Quote Challenge! I wish you the best of luck in life and in writing!
    -Author S

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Thank you for the kudos. It seems evident that a lot of people you might really resonate with and admire your courage and vulnerability, though they might not express it in words. Have you ever heard the CD called “The Secret”? If not, you might check it out. That’s all for now.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. THIS IS SO TRUE! I feel like this each and everyday. People also tell me that im too nice, too generous but i have gone through friends so much i am starting to think the problem is me!! i mean, If im so nice, why do I get screwed over?? Thank you for this. I felt some comfort in your words.

    Liked by 1 person


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