A Prison Of Our Own Making

It’s been three weeks since I took a break from my blog. I guess it was my retaliation against life for once again taking a break on me without my will. Because just as the last time, I was stumped. You would’ve thought I would have learned by now.

The uncertainty of what the future held for me swallowed me whole again. Even though I knew what I had to do, for some reason I was choosing not to do it. But then I realized, no I was doing it. However I was being sentenced into the waiting period. The wait till the world responded back, “come join us again.”

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During that wait I came across something. It was bound to happen with the immense amount of shows I’ve been binging on.

“I’m in a prison made by me, individualized with what I chose to imprison myself with. No one put me there and no one will take me out of there. Only by my own will can I get out.”

It got me thinking about how I’ve rarely ever expressed happiness in writing. For a person who represents to the outside world as a happy symbol, I had forgotten to how much sorrow and pain I symbolized here. I was thinking of how when I would be 99 years old one day (fingers crossed) I would read my writing and think back to how I was such a sad child. I would reminisce my horrible life. Although in reality, it was not. I have had days where I’ve been happy. I just unfortunately haven’t shared it on here.

To me happiness is something so physical and mentally felt in the moment. It’s the smiles, the affection, the touch, and senses that are alive that second.

But the irony is I do still gain comfort here. A content feeling that is  a different version of inexplicable happiness. Not the usual high of being on cloud nine, but more like ah now I think I can truly rest now. It’s the calm after the adrenaline rush.

And I forgot how much I was torturing myself as I convinced myself away from here. Because a month ago, the little bouts of sadness among the happiness held importance. The endless feelings of sadness and depression over a length of time just became a sameness. Insignificant. What I felt now didn’t seem to hold any importance.

The original vigor before when I thought I had the right to be angry and frustrated was gone. I felt as if I lost the right to just throw in the towel and say

“I’m done trying. If you want me in your life, let me know. Bye.”

During this wait, I’ve been terrified. I have singularly blamed and hated the uncertainty to the whole situation. I would soon miss and start to realize the importance of a routine. Before, waking up at 7 am and thinking ugh I have to go to work would often make me frustrated and sad because I felt as if I had no choice. However for 2 years while I was bedridden…for the first time I experienced waking up to nothing. Completely and utterly nothing. I wondered, why do I even need to wake up? Can I just not wake up at all?

I miss routine, but I need to learn how to embrace uncertainty as well. To learn the balance of being grateful for both, a routine to wake up to yet to not give a crap because there might not even be a tomorrow.

Nothing makes sense here.

In the end though it all comes down to a simple feeling. I just feel so left out of my own freaking life.

 

 

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37 comments

  1. Beautiful..
    sometimes we have to stand for ourself because no one else will. That also means standing up for what you believe and making changes as to how you feel and wish to feel. You are in control of your emotions, just by the switch of mindset and how we perceive things, it can change so much within us. It’s amazing.

    Beautifully penned.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I liked when you said ” happiness is something so physical and mentally felt in the moment. It’s the smiles, the affection, the touch, and senses that are alive that second.” and yes, routine sometimes organizes our life, even if we hate it, but waking up to nothing is really unbearable!!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I know it probably sounds lame, but I’m sending you lots of love. I know how it feels to feel left out of your own life. It SUUUUCKS. Just know that you’re not alone ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I just finished reading a book primarily about Buddhist teachings & one chapter I particularly enjoyed was about “groundlessness”. Sort of the feeling you described of our life being up in the air, being unsure of our future, and not feeling like things are stable. It’s not an easy feeling to cope with, but once you learn how, you are able to enjoy the presence more and it softens us. I hope things look up for you. Just remember, outlook is key. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I felt left out of my life for the longest time. Reason being, I had to recover from being bullied, low self-esteem, and on and on. I receded so much into myself and I didn’t really allow myself to have too many new experiences but I didn’t have too much of a choice because I really had to heal and that was the only way to do it. But I’m free now 🙂 I hope that you can be free too

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Thanks for sharing, I think we all feel like life has gone on without us at times – I feel that it’s what we decide to do about it – our actions that will define us. How you choose to react and process this whenever it happens and can happen more than once will help you to be more resilient. Thanks also for stopping by my blog and the ‘like’. Peace and blessings 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Your words are so relatable…I read your most recent post before reading this one, and I am so happy to know that you are feeling hopeful, and that the weight has been lightened…the best we can do is take any small step toward changing our perspective. We must find the daring to believe that, somehow, things can be different. For, they are meant to be different…we are meant to shine and sparkle and live a life of joy and connection and of helping each other be the best of ourselves. That is what is so challenging…when we feel so far removed from everything hopeful, and good, and happy, and self-affirming. It is wonderful that you have enough fight to reach out, to protest the bleakness….you are a light and an inspiration…thank you for sharing 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I know it’s hard to understand but your words are relatable to those people who don’t have that voice to speak out! You are human and sometimes we just aren’t happy all the time! Embrace the uncertainty but never stop! ✨

    Liked by 1 person


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