I wish I could say the person typing this is very much changed. But despite the fact I always envy the ones that concoct something for the new years, the one who usually feels nothing utterly different when the clock strikes 12 thinks it’s utter bullshit. Perhaps because I’m never a part of it.
Don’t get me wrong. I try to be optimistic but I’ve learned to worry and fret over bettering myself as a day a day thing. Not a year to year event.
My attempt at forcing myself back to here, one of my homes, was not because of a failed attempt at a new year resolution. But rather an affirmation. As well as a reminder to myself.
Despite the fact that I’m doing well (except of course having the flu), working at my new job and not dreading the next day, I’ve been losing my support. Not quite literally, but very physically. My mother on Monday is leaving for a month to visit my grandparents who aren’t well, halfway across the world. She’s terrified since she still feels guilty because the last time she left, I vanished for 2 years. She and I both know it’s not her fault. However, she has been my rock. And she does know that.
And just like last time, when I was 16 I could not say no when she asked if I were alright if she went. Even though I kept reassuring myself that I was different and my dad was different, I was surprised that just like last time I didn’t hesitate. Where does my confidence even come from…
Although, that wasn’t the point. It was alright, I had a home counselor now and therapist I met weekly. I had my job to keep me busy so I thought that just like I was different, I also had a support system that had come into existence since last time.
I didn’t wish to believe I felt the instability of them the last few months. For my job, I was unable to give time to my therapist to meet. Soon, it would become one week, then two weeks till I would meet her. Maybe more. Before the christmas break, my case manager dropped contact with me and it started to also become weeks since I heard from her. My sister was once again absorbed with her new relationship and even when she came to visit it was hard to get her attention. Now that she’s gone back to her college with her boyfriend, I know it’s not fair when she’s so emotionally involved with him. All her energy would be gone by the time she would get to me. So I knew not to have any expectations with her.
Even though I knew my fear was irrational. In fact, they were still there for me. Exactly, where they usually are. I have no excuses. I have to depend on myself. I may have been a vulnerable 16 year old girl who had unresolved issues then, but I’m an 18 year old woman who has been fighting everyday, struggling to get better for the past few years. I have not only aged by number but grown as a person.
But depending versus knowing someone’s there for you are very different things. No matter how much I comfort myself, I still fill this pit at the bottom of my stomach. I remember that a month can be a very long time.