A classic motivational speaker will say to begin with self-love. In fact, even I would say right now is not the time for me to seek love outwards but rather inwards. However it’s a never ending battle in reminding myself everyday that I come first, while I’m alone now or even during any future love.
I won’t lie that compared to before, it’s often a lot easier than I would like. It’s become almost instinctual to put myself first. I’m more selfish in my materialistic wants. I feel less guilty in feeling normal human desires. And I’m more willing to stray my path as wanting to be an eternal angel.
In my imaginations I may be forever kind and temperless but reality has forced me to accept that I’m now tougher and less willing to put up with shit. Ironically, now my battle is to remind myself to be kind, to smile, and to forgive once in awhile.
I have learned to accept being flawed. However, learning to feel undesirable is a completely different matter.